Breaking the Awkward Silence

I know I haven't posted in a long time...I hope my few followers didn't lose their patients with me. I've been afraid to post, and I can't tell you why. I mean, I really can't. I don't even know why, so it's not like I'm keeping secrets or anything. If I knew why I was afraid, I'd tell you.

Anyhow, I've listened to this song about one million times in the last few weeks, and it's good. It seems strangely applicable to me lately.(Only the verses) again, something I can't explain to you guys. Sorry. but here are the lyrics, and you should listen to it some time. it's very good.


THE ISLAND
They say the skies of Lebanon are burning
Those mighty cedars bleedin’ in the heat
They're showing pictures on the television
Women and children dying in the street
And we're still at it in our own place
Still tryin’ to reach the future through the past
Still tryin’ to carve tomorrow from a tombstone...
But Hey! Don't listen to me! this wasn't meant to be no sad song .

We've heard too much of that before 
Right now I only want to be here with you Till the morning dew comes falling And I wanna take you to the island  Trace your footprints in the sand 
And in the evening when the sun goes down We'll make love to the sound of the ocean
They're raising banners over by the markets 
Whitewashing slogans on our shipyard walls 
Witchdoctors praying for a mighty showdown No way our holy flag is gonna’ fall 
Up here we sacrifice our children To feed the worn-out dreams of yesterday And teach them dying will lead us into glory...
But Hey! Don't listen to me! 

cos this wasn't meant to be no sad song .
I've sung too much of that before 
Right now I only want to be with you Till the morning dew comes falling I wanna take you to the island And trace your footprints in the sand 
And in the evening when there’s no one around We'll make love to the sound of the ocean

Now I know us plain folks don't see all the story 
And I know this peace and love's just copping out 
And I guess these young boys dying in the ditches Is just what being free is all about 
And how this twisted wreckage down on main street Will bring us all together in the end 
And we'll go marching down the road to freedom... Freedom……. Freedom

new blog

So I have a new blog.( http://like-trees-in-november.blogspot.com/)
For writing, and art and things of the like. I have put some on this blog, but I like the idea of having a different one for that stuff, and then this one for stuff like thought and things that happen in my life. So if you interested...

umm...hi. it's me.

So it turns out that I have not blogged in a long time... Don't know why.
Also, I don't know why I'm blogging now, other than, I haven't blogged in a long time.
Classes are pretty easy. but only one it stupid, so that's good.

Tonight was sufficiently un-enthralling. I watched the office, and felt silly for being so happy for two fictitious characters. I walked to seven eleven in the rain with snow boots on. I don't know why, it just seemed like the thing to do. then, when I got home, I threw a peppermint at the wall. it bounced back and landed on my shoulder. I took that as a sign, and put it back in the candy dish. Next, I poured cold hot chocolate into an old milk jug, one forth cup at a time.

So... my life is not usually this ... odd.
Neither are my blog posts. I promise the next on will be more interesting.
Till then,

The Button Man

The Button Man

The Button Man is angry
As he holds his quivering light
Because the Button Cat just woke him
In the middle on the night

Those wretched stairs he’ll have to climb,
That hall he’ll have to tread;
They are so very cold and hard.
The make him miss his bed

What could that irksome pussy want?
So urgently she mews,
The Button Man begins to think,
“This could be all a ruse.”

That cat has never ceased to be
The bane of Buttons days.
His time is spent, alone on her
But secretly… she pays.

You see, our little button friend
Has quite an evil side.
That’s what him calm exterior
So aptly tries to hide.

When pussy isn’t watching,
Her doom he tries to plot.
But up until this moment
It all has been for naught.

The latest scheme he’s thought of
Is a rather gruesome one
And he’s thinking that this midnight
Is when it should be done.

As he comes upon his kitty’s spot
With an evil grin,
He opened up the door for her
And begged her to come in.
　　
So in the little kitty trots,
So trusting, so faith-filled
She has no clue that oh so soon,
She will be brutally killed.

He leads the kitty to her dish
And fills it with a treat.
But when she goes to eat it up,
He knocks her of her feet!

He lifts his knife in anger,
Ready for the kill
But just when he’s about to act,
He lost the will to kill.

What could he have been thinking?!

That puss is his best friend.
She may be difficult at times,
But he’ll love her till the end.

He drops the knife to hug her,
But she will not hear of it!
And when he pulls away from her,
He finds he has been bit!

He tries to help her understand;
To make this all work out,
But she has now picked up the knife
And chases him about.

The scene was very bloody
When the cat was finally done.
She quickly washed her hand of him,
Then turned around to run.

“Well, that’s exactly what you get,”
The puss thought with a sigh,
“When the only thing you really want’
Is for your cat to die.”
　
END

I get attached to people way to easily. I hate change to much. Is there a reason for this? The first fact can be a good thing. I've seen it. But what about the second? Flaw or just how I am?



Oh life... This melancholy roller coaster that taunts us at every turn.
It cruelly shakes us and throws us about. It seldom knows what its doing.
But that's alright, because the one who built the track did. Does. Always will.

Trust Him. He knows what he's doing.

Can't sleep.

It's late. I got home from youth group, read my notes, then tried unsuccessfully to sleep. So I got up to write to you all. I just need to tell you all that I love you a lot. Seriously. I don't cry. I just don't. but you guys made me bawl tonight. I love you all, and I need you to know that.
I just thought I should let you know. I love you. I'm here for you. And I'm sorry for any time in the future that I won't be there, like if I die, or move far away. ( I don't plan on either of those happening, but it's really up to God.) Those are all the words I have.

P.S. I love you... again.

summer skin.

It's August. I haven't blogged since June. What should I say?.... Well, I'm not going to walk you through my summer, because that would take to long. So I'll try to sum it up. (even though it's not quite over.)

Ok. so , I'm more confident in my choice to stay in St. Louis, but WAY less happy with the fact that i graduated early. It's starting to hit me... no, that's a lie. It hit me a while ago. But it's becoming more and more real to me that I will have to leave my friends. I still don't want to, and I still will be their friends, but I don't think it will be the same. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wonderfully mistaken. Maybe things won't change as much as I've been thinking they will....
Or maybe that's all just wishful thinking...I guess we'll find out soon.

Anyways, I like that Sarah moved back. I like seeing her more often. I really like those sisters of mine.

I wrote this the other day. and it kind of is about this summer. So I'll show you. Then I'll stop. Sorry if you don't understand this.

In the mountains, God was there.
In the air port, He was there too.
He was there in the heat.
He was with me under the bridge, and he walk with me down the tracks.
He was in the sky when it didn't seem real, and on the ground, when it was to real...

He was with us on the tower.
He was in the lights... on the hill.
He is the beauty that we felt,
And we don't see Him.
He is in us. Not just around us. Not just with us, but in us.

And before the mountains, He was there.
before I was there, he was with me.
His infinite, unfathomable love filled the emptiness than would be all of us.
Then it made me.
Then it searched me out relentlessly.
When it had it's hold on me, it filled me.
It overflowed.
And it works in me.
It is making me beautiful in time.

But to Him, I am beautiful.
To him I am light. A small light, but a light.
Because he is light.
And I am his child.
I am a child of light.

life

It's June. What can I say about June?
Well I'm about to leave for Mexico. Then after that I'm going to New york. I'm exited about both. I feel really odd lately. kind of lost. I'm exited about the summer. I'm exited about the fall. but I'm afraid. I'm going to college! What the heck?! I don't want to go to college. but I'm lying I do want to go, I'm just afraid.
I just don't want to leave my friends. Sarah told me that it's really OK to leave friend behind because you will still keep in touch with the ones you are close to. But I'm close to all my friends! I get attached to people so easily! most of them probably don't know it. I guess that's a good thing in the end, but it doesn't feel helpful at all right now.

But what can I do? I can't stay in high school forever, and even if I did, my friends would graduate eventually. I guess this is just life. I don't like it. I don't like change. But I should get over that, because as humans, the only thing we notice is change. And also, in this life, the only person we can count on to always be there is ourselves. people fail. that's life. I'm glad I know God. even though it would seem that I know nothing about him.

So here's what I'll do. I'll just run head-long into this change. I'll cling to my friends while while I have them. I'll make new ones when I don't have them any more. And I'll cling to God till the day that I die, cause he is m only certainty. I guess that's what life is...

Dylan.

I fond this song today on Pandora. It's not new. Bob Dylan wrote it. Jason Mraz dose a good cover of it though. Best Lyrics I've heard, ever.

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue eyed son?
And what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin'
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand takers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin'
I heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world
I heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin'
I heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin'
I heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin'
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, who did you meet my blue-eyed son?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony
I met a white man who walked a black dog
I met a young woman whose body was burning
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow
I met one man who was wounded in love
I met another man who was wounded and hatred
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are a many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
Where the executioner's face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell and think it and speak it and breathe it
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my songs well before I start singin'
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

we're Lost!

I am now going to go off onto a furious rant on my favorite show ever....(Lost)

I am SO Angry right now! You have no idea. since the beginning of the show I have had seven favorite characters. "Wow, that's kind of allot for one show." you might say. but no. it isn't, because they all die!(all but one) I'm not even joking! Six people that I love! (yeah I know they are not real) It's kind of heart wrenching! First Boon, then Charlie, then Libby, Echo, Charlotte, and now... well I wont say the last one for the sake of those who have not yet sen the finale. But Favorite Characters number Seven is dead. And what on earth was up with that ending?! Come on people!

OK, now that that's out of my system...

I have been talking about a bunch of stuff lately that has confused me like none other. It kind of all started in Sunday school, but it had been in my mind for some time before that. I am still processing allot of it, but may blog about it a a later date. for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you may know the confusion. for those of you who don't know, but want to, ask me in person. And last for those of you who could care less, stop reading my blog.

That's all.

Title

I have three new journals. This would usually be an overwhelming thing, but it isn't now. I already know what each is going to be used for. I really like journals. writing means so much more than typing... I will now tell you about one.

It's the most boring looking one of them all. It is just an old composition notebook the I haven't used, and so I'm using it now. My goal is to have it completely full by the end of summer. I'm not just writing in it though. I'm gonna put pictures and bunch of stuff like that in there too. It may sound kind of lame, but pleas don't tell me if it is, because I am exited about it, and that's all that matters.

Also, I am officially graduated. After tonight, that is. I have my last final, then I'm done. In a few short months, I'll be an adult and a college student. how very strange...

Oh toady! I do wish you were not so sunny...
The sun taunts me today. I think I almost heard it laugh.
I am not in a sunny mood today. This however, done not mean that I am sad. acualy, qiute the oposite. I just am not in the mood for sun.
I think a slow, cool drisle would be ideal.

I don't know what this is about, this silly thing that I'm writing.

latley I have been wondering alot, if my friends know how much they mean to me. I really hope that you all do. ALL of you, ok?...but no all of you read this. So maybe I should tell you.

...goodbey.

?

What to say? There is so much...
It just hit me that I am graduating. Prom. Last night....
I have one week of classes left. a few days ago that exited me to no end. Now....
What do I do now? Were do I go from hear?

I will miss all of this. Funny how when I first started, I thought I would hate it all so much. Now I am defined by it. How do you leave what defines you, and stay yourself? Can you? There are just so many questions. If anyone knows the answers, I would greatly appreciate it if you would let me know as you can.

There is so much left in my head that needs to be said, but it won't come out now. Not over the Internet, anyway.
I'll see you.

Trivialities...

As you well may know, it rained today. that means I walked, and walking means I thought.

when I think there is usually a topic. today there was none. I just let them all come, and stay for as long as they wanted to. this means they were trivial. I didn't really expect that many would come, so I was surprised by the outcome.

I thought of how I love colors. I am so very glad that they are not people. you see, I get infatuated by them so easily. If they were people, I would be in trouble. one minute, after looking at my umbrella, I would be completely and utterly in love with purple. We would be so very happy together for those few, fleeting moments. But sooner or later, I would inevitably look down at my shoes, and be taken almost immediately by their green-ness. I would be so torn. I love them both but knowing that I could never have both, I would have to break one of there hearts. And then, no matter which I chose, I would never be at peace, because of that blue car that I passed...

You can see how this would really be a bad thing for me.

I also thought how sometimes...right now, anyway, it's good to be...how I am, I guess. Just having options. I'm not Mark Twain, but I can write. I'm not Duke Ellington, but I can play music. I'm not Rembrandt, but I can paint. Obama can't say that. He is the president, and everybody knows that, and that's what he is. He doesn't have much of a choice any more. another thing he can't say, is that nobody hates him. Now I could be wrong, but as far as I know, nobody hates me. That is a very nice thing.

I wish I could adequetly portray the beauty that I saw all around me today, but this is a blogg....

So hear are some pictures.

Fruit, Photography, and murder

As I type, I am eating fruit with chopsticks. I don't know why, though, or why i felt the need to tell you all, but there it is.

well blogging has been a bit boring lately. Very few people are posting new stuff, and I suppose that that would include me. But this is new, so fret not! Anyway, I really can't think of much to say. maybe that's whats going on with everybody lately. I find it all rather odd, personally.

Any way, I like photography and all, but it has been kind of consuming my life lately. We have a HUGE critic on Wednesday, and a smaller one Monday. I'm not worried about the one on Monday, cause its only two picture, and I have them both. but the one on Wednesday is really big. it has to be at least eleven, and I have one to make up from last week, so that twelve! Gahh! its a good thing I don't mind the smell of dark room chemicals, cause I'm probably going to smell like them till may.

So I'm staging a murder Sunday, again, for photography. it's gonna be awesome. Dramatic and chocolaty.

I will now tell you the story of my yesterday. I liked it very much.
It started with a music competition in the morning, at Missouri Baptist university. It all went pretty good. But my mom/director forgot all of her scores for jazz band, and didn't realize it till a few minutes before we were suppose to warm up to be on stage, and I had to go back and retrieve her bag. so I did, but when I got back and gave it to her, it turned out that they weren't in there anyway.but it all worked out in the end, and all of our groups that competed did really well. Orchestra got a 1+ and jazz band got 1-, which is still pretty good.

So some time between preforming and running around looking for scores, I found Becca! actually, Becca found us. Because she goes to Mo-Bap, and had classes and all. so she watched us preform, and then after we were done, me, her, our mothers and Nog all went to lunch (at a "bistro-like" subway, were we bayed the O-rule).
Then we went and watched choir and God's Glory preform, and they both did great. And I did not know that Emily had a solo, but it was beautiful.

So then me and Becca left, and went to my house, and talked for a while, and then Amie woke up, and then we all went to diner, and then Amie had something to do at her church, so me and Becca rented "The Eye" and it was ok. It wasn't the best, or the worst, and we did origami. (But we are not very good at it)

Also, I didn't go to dare 2 share. I kind of feel bad for not going, cause people thought I should, but in the end I don't regret my decision to stay home. And while were on the topic, the bible study that Amie leads is thinking about doing street evangelism sometime, down in the loop, and I think that I would like to help them.

THE END

Foot note: Sarah is coming back from North Carolina today, I think, And I am happy.

Hey!...Life.

When I was younger I thought my life didn't really start till I was on my own. Till I went to college. That's what I was always looking forward to. and now here I am, getting ready to graduate. It's odd...That's all I can say about it. of course I know now that my life has been going on (sometimes without me even knowing it.) for seventeen years now.
But the thought of being grown up still just doesn't seem quite right.

These last few days and week have been really happy. I know happy doesn't last. but I think it will for a little while, and the joy won't go. That's a bit of comfort.

So here's to a summer or fun, and then whatever comes after that.

Prom Ducks.

I really like today.
Church was normal, which is good. After church, I went to Lunch with Jessica, Anna, Julia, Kelli, and Cody. It was pretty awesome if I do say so myself.(and I do.) I liked the part when Anna accidental said, that Prom cost 20-something "duck" instead of "Bucks". Then an long Discussion ensued about what that would mean. My story was that there would be this tradition were all the senior have to bring a live duck to prom, and then their duck would mate with their dates duck, and they would give the egg(s) to a Junior, and they would raise it for a year, until there senior prom. And also, at graduation, instead of throwing your caps in the air, you set your duck free. The speed and grace of your duck determines how well you do in the future.
somehow, the duck conversation became one about the cruel nature of man. (?)

After lunch, me, Kelli, and Jessica, went to the Martin's and watched Australia. I love it. it was the most emotional movie I have seen in my life. Anna, Jessica, and me were the only ones that stayed through the whole thing. We huddled together a few times out of sheer terror! Yes, it was that intense.

and that's the end. sort of, anyway. The day is not over, but I'm assuming that the rest of it will be rather uneventful.
Goodbye.

umm...this is just my thoughts. Not so exiting.

OK, so... It seem like I have not seen my friend in a while. I did, though. I just haven't spent time with them and that makes me sad. So dose any one want to do something?...because I do! I am also sad that this Idea that Ian had for the dinner/ Communion/ thing didn't work this week, because that would be pretty Ideal now. Maybe it's just me , but it seems that nobody is really exited about the whole idea, which quite frankly, I think is dumb. Because it's a god idea, and I want it to work.

On another note, I think I'm going to write a book soon. I somewhat doubt my writing skills, but I have a good idea, and I suppose it's worth a try.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. They are very far from being profound, and for that I apologize. I hope I can talk to you guys soon, and not just over blog, or other Internet sources. Because that is not really talking.

A bunch of randomness that might not be interesting

I have a few things to say. first off, I just got back from the lake. there were a bunch of people there, and for once, didn't mind them being there. I kind of liked it...but I don't know why.
Second, I am kind of obsessed with this song. I love it allot, but I'm afraid that I will get sick of it if I listen to it to much more...but I want to. (it's called A twist in my story by second hand serenade.)
also, I like my friend ALLOT. And I really hope that they all know that.
I forgot to put this on the list of the things I love, but I love white trees.
also, today is Amie's birthday.Shes turning old. It's weird. I recently found out that Sarah (my sister) has a blog. so I started following her. But when I went to read some of her posts, there wasn't a single one. it was a bit disappointing. and Speaking of Sarah, I am glad that she is moving back to St. Louis soon, because I like her.
I might live with Becca this fall, if I'm not living at whatever college I end up at.

Funny thing that happened today: I was going to the lake, and I was about a block or two from my house, and who should suddenly appear, seemingly out of nowhere, but Catarina the 13 year old cat.

I am pretty exited about my next photography assignment. And I need help with it. So if you want to be in some of my pictures, and want to come to a park with me some time soon, then that would be cool.

I recently rediscovered how much I love fairy tails. I read a bunch of them today.

this is the last thing; I feel kind of silly for posting almost every day. Especially when you guys (the ones that I follow that is, which is most of you) WON'T POST THINGS.but don't feel bad. it just means that unlike me, you guy have lives.

FINE.

Hear it comes...what?

The flowers in the front yard bloomed today. I know it was today. there have only been two warm days this year, and their up. Almost like they were waiting just below the surface, waiting for a bit of warmth to tell it that it's OK to come out now. When I think of them like that, I can almost feel their anticipation. I want it as much as they do. Do flowers want?

I played guitar allot today, even though I'm not that good.

I don't know about thing lately. They are so happy. They are good. But they are changing. I don't know if I'm afraid of this change yet. But I am taken off guard at it's lack of subtleties.
I suppose that there is really nothing that I can do to stop, and like I said, things are good, and only seem to be getting better. So I don't need to stop the change from coming...not like I could anyway.

And that is that.

Childhood windows

I think today was a window into my past. ( if days can be windows) Becca came over. We went to the park and swung. then we came home, played with sidewalk chalk, and climbed trees.
For a moment, it was my childhood. as I traced my led onto my driveway, and the sound of Becca laughing with piano music coming from in side...

I can't really find words for today. So instead hear is a poem. by Rilke. He is my favorite without a doubt.


Childhood

It would be good to give much thought, before you try to find words for something so lost,for those long childhood afternoons you knew that vanished so completely -and why?

We're still reminded-: sometimes by a rain,but we can no longer say what it means;life was never again so filled with meeting,with reunion and with passing

on as back then, when nothing happened to us except what happens to things and creatures:we lived their world as something human,and became filled to the brim with figures.And became as lonely as a Shepherd

and as overburdened by vast distances,and summoned and stirred as from far away,and slowly, like a long new thread,introduced into that picture-sequence where now having to go on bewilders us. Rainer Maria Rilke

Its's gone...

...That post I had that was kind of emo, that is.
it's gone, and I'll tell you why. Because it was true, but it was an over reaction. I don't like those, and had no right to post it. it just made it sound like I was depressed, and I'm not. I'm sorry if you guys thought I was. I actually talked to my mom about it, which is rare. That helped, and so did God.

So that's about all. sorry again.

Could this be love?...yes.

The things that I love include, but are not limited to the following.

• God
• Saturdays with friends ( like today.)
• Toast
• My loud, crazy family
• Quotes
• Stella
• The smell of ink
• Paintbrush holders filled with brushes, hanging from the wall
• Hollow gourds made into bird houses
• Books
• Sisters (really and otherwise)
• Constitutions
• Outside
• Walking in the rain with a purple umbrella under a light post

This is all for now.

Ari

"Who is he?... That man on the bench." She asked herself.

"Don't know. But it really doesn't matter to me."

" Well it's bound to matter to someone, So you best think of his story now."

So she did. And this was the story that she came up with.

His name is Arlington Scott. Ari for short. He's 28 years old, and was born and raised in southern California. After college he moved to England. Now he lives in London, but he has never liked big city's very much. So every one in a while, when his job gets to stressful, or the city air feels Smoggy and suffocating, he gets into his car and he drives.

The first Couple of times that he did this, he didn't go anywhere in particular. he just drove. But one day just driving wasn't enough. So he got out and walked. And he kept on walking till he got tired. And as if there had been someone following him who could read his mind, in the exact instance when his knees got weak, and the stitch in his side really started to ache, a bench appeared. It was rather plain bench that stood alone on a hill on the edge of some Down that he didn't care to find the name of.

So Ari sat. And as he watched the sun set into the west, he was reminded of his home, and of his childhood, and mostly of her. We wondered about Her. Was she still best friends with Lily McCoy? had her freckles ever gone away? And most of all, he wondered if she still loved him, and thought about him as much as he thought about her.

He didn't know, and he told himself regularly that he was not brave enough to find out.

So instead of finding her, he just came hear. He'd think of her as he watched the sun set then he would leave. He would go on with his life, and let her go on with hers. But every once in a while, if he saw a long sandy beach, or a dead tree covered in snow, or that exact same shade of teal, He would think of her, and he would smile.

Choose.

We are all dieing. every one of us. every person, every blade of grass. Each second we spend on this earth is a second closer to death. A child is born, and immediately starts to die. It's not morbid, it's just the way it is. A fact of life; We are all dieing... We are all falling. Falling away from what was. Away from what we were back then, when life was so Innocent. And as we fall, as those childish whims that we are so fond of fade, we find out new things about our selves. They are beautiful and terrible things...But they are inside of us, so the are us. And so there we are; Beautiful and terrible

And in our Beauty there is a call. It's a call to become more beautiful, and to love this beautiful uncertainty that is our future. This is not so easy, because we are still terrible, and we are reminded of that often.

But the call doesn't stop. It comes to us in the night, calls...louder, and louder still. And it Will not stop until we listen. Till our souls are so raw, so exhausted from hearing their own names called again, that we must listen. And when we do... in that silent moment when we finally give in to the call, when we find it to strong and ourselves to weak to resist any longer, then we will have peace. But our peace will not be a contented one. We shall not say, "Now I may go about my life normally and quietly, as my fathers before me." Because we will not be t peace with all the earth. Only with the part in it that we are somehow sure we must play. (though we don't know what it is, or for that matter, how we know this.) And we find that the call is still there, even in our peace.
And in this restless peace -this mystery that is before us- we see it all. The calling, the fall and even what came before it all. We see it whole and beautiful against the sky. But something utterly dark, and utterly realistic tells us that we will never see things this way again. For only when the future is fully unknown can it truly be called beautiful.
...And so time goes on...we don't often want it to. We find our selves wishing in those moment of pure joy that it would freeze as it is. And when we can see nothing but the Shadow in the corners, and feel nothing but cold wind at our backs, we wish -sometimes harder than before- that time would just end all together. But it goes on. Like a train with no breaks on a never-ending track. Imposable to stop. Imposable to get off. And although at time we convince ourselves otherwise, we all love our silly little trains, out of control headed towards only God knows what. Because he dose know, and we never can.
And that, in the end is what we must choose to take comfort in. It is one of the only thing we can choose. We did not choose to fall. We did not ask to be called. but this, we can and must seek. It will be our only comfort when our trains crash.

I can't think of a title for this one.

So I've been singing allot lately. I really like singing when I'm completely alone, and I can just sing as loud or as quiet as I want. Also, I've been waking up with songs in my head again. It use to happen all the time, but it hadn't happened in forever. the songs that would be in my head when I woke up used to be just random. Once, I woke up with the Canadian National anthem in my head, every Saturday for almost two months. that was pretty odd.

But now a'days, it's almost always a worship song that I wake up singing. That started at winter fest. I really don't know the reason, but I really don't care. i just really like waking up that way, because it reminds me that God is there, even when we're asleep. Just because we can't consciously praise Him, doesn't mean anything to Him. He just likes being with us. And that doesn't make any sense to me. (Proly because I'm human.)
And that's all I have to say for now.

Miss...

Do you know what I miss?

Well then I'll tell you. I miss long evenings of sitting in the back of the pick-up and just thinking while it grew darker and darker. And then when it was full dark, I would ride my bike around searching out and naming all of the light posts. I did that allot. but now I can't, partly because of the cold.



I miss the feeling failing asleep to good music and waking up in the middle of the night with it still playing, and being really disoriented because I had thought the music was part of the dream that I just forgot.



I miss Colleen, Helen, Daniel, Meemaw, Alicia...

...And that's what I miss.

Vincent & Christopher...

I just found something that made me pretty happy.

If you didn't know, My dad is kind of obsessed with buying DVDs, and I just found the newest addition to his collection. It's six different horror movies form the 50's, 60's, and 70's starring Vincent Price and Christopher Lee.

So, if anyone is interested in watching them with me, just let me know.

love day.

OK, so love has defiantly been the theme of my life as of late.
It's been kind of everywhere. so I'm going to tell you about this love thing that I have found.
I'm reading the book Crazy Love, and it's good. I guess that's were it all started, but that doesn't seem right, because i have been reading it for a while, and am just now seeing all of this. (which makes me feel silly.)

I think we all know about the ten commandments, so I won't list them. But I think that maybe people focus to strongly on them sometimes. Yes, they are important, but they are not the most important things. The two most important thing, God say, are to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, and mind, and secondly, to love others as yourself. And that is what I want.

I want people to feel loved by me, but at the same time, know that I love nothing and nobody more than God. I think all of my family and close friend know that I love them, but I want this to be the theme of my life. I want to emanate love. For God first and theme for everyone else, and defiantly not for myself.

So that what I have to say about love on love day. but I don't want to just say it, then forget about it. like I said, I want to live this. so if anyone sees me being less than loving yell at me or something, ok?....Good.

Happy

So today was a pretty good day as far as days go.
In the morning, I got my drivers license. (Finlay!) Then in the afternoon I pucked up Ian and Jessica and we went to see a movie. Now I'm home and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my evening.
Maybe watch a movie with Amie? who knows... but what I;m trying to say hear is that life is good...the end.

No words today. ( or at least verry few.)

What do you do when words don't come?
Or when they come, just about all the wrong things? I find is truly ridiculous how much we silly little humans must rely on words.

"And perhaps this is the shortest one ever." She thought to herself. But it wasn't.

The Original Creator

I've heard people say it allot. "God is so creative" But I just recently truly got what that means. Hears the thing; humans praise themselves all the time for being creative. whether it's through writing, or music, or art, or whatever. But in the end, we are just copy-cats. Not just us, but every human EVER!

Think about this for a second. Mozart may have written sonatas when he was ten, but God invented music! Rembrandt may have painted some pretty amazing things, but God created all of them first. And what about all those books we read, and think, "man, how do people think of story lines like this?" Well even those great scorelines are about people, which God made, and are expressed with words (which God also thought of). So if these people, the best of the best are just copy-cats, and we aren't even as good as them, than we should be allot more humble than we are.

Now I'm not saying that our talents are nothing, but just that we need to realize that God is the only one who was ever truly creative. And without him, we would have nothing to draw or paint or wright about or sing about. This is why we should do everything for the glory of God. In the end, they will glorify Him anyway, because they are all his. Isn't it better to glorify Him willingly, than to try and glorify your self, and end up glorifying God anyway, but look like a fool in the proses?

So that's my thought, and maybe it's one of those things that everyone will read and be like, "Duh Beth, this is kind of common knowledge." But oh well.

Hmm....

Well I don't know what I can say about the state of my life at the moment... all I can say is that thing are so spastic lately. I really don't get it. My life is not always good, but it's usually pretty even. I mean, usually, it's either good, or bad. Lately, though, I'll be supper joyful (not happy, necessarily.) and the next day it will seem like things are falling apart. And I'm pretty sure I'm not bipolar.

Oh well, maybe it's just the way life is sometimes. maybe it's just nothing. I don't know. But I kind of feel a bit whiny lately too, so I'll leave it at that.

the 3rd.

My Tuesday:

I did laundry. I accidental washed a pencil and my flask.
Then i attempted to do math.
Then I cried. I don't usually cry.
Then Marcy talked to me. That made me happy.
Then God talked to me through Marcy. that made me joyful.

The End.

Fear, Failure, and Hope

Guys, I'm serious about this! And I'm scared.
It started at winter fest this year, just after Alyson fell of of her horse, and it was bad and all. I started thinking of why all of this would happen to one person. The only thing I could think of was that it was a spiritual attack. Now I don't now for sure or anything because I'm human and all, but I've talked to people, and prayed about this and it seems to me that this is what it is.

Also at winter fest, I started to feel that 2009 was going to be big/hard some how. I may sound crazy, and in all reality, maybe it is. but it's how I feel, and things that have happened in the world have started to prove me right. Now I know that our world (obviously,) is far from perfect, and is kind of screwed up often, but as of late it seems that bad things have been happening more frequently. (it could also be that I'm just paying closer attention that I use to, but I don't know.)
I have felt pretty under attack too, lately. I have been feeling really inadequate. pretty much like a failure at life. know I'm not and that god sees me as his perfect child, but little thing like failing the drivers test twice, and not doing so great in school, and having absolutely no idea what my life is going to look like after this school year. Things I usually don't worry about more than I need to; these thing are all I have been able to focus on recently, and that is not normal for me at all.

Anyhow, as I started seeing and feeling these thing happen, I also started hearing things about how we can fight the devil. So I made a list in one of my journals of these ways.(but I only have two as of yet...) I think that pastor Dave may have said both of them but I can't remember. But I know that the source of these things are trustworthy, because wouldn't have gotten as exited as I did, if I heard it from someone I didn't trust completely, or if I had not found them to have worked for me in the past. (Which at least one of them has.)
So hear they are. I call them my spiritual arsenal.

1. Focus on what Christ did on the cross. Satan truly thought he had won by killing Jesus, and was happy...till he found out just how wrong he had been. When we think about/ pairs God for what he did, It's sort of like rubbing it in the devils face.

2. Sing. This one is so simple, but really powerful. when we sing praises to God, the devil hates it; plain and simple. I am absolutely positive that this one work because I've used it before.

So that's all. I know that it's a short list right now but hopefully it will grow. If anybody has anything that they could add to this list, I would love to talk to you about it.
...The End

PHOTOGRAM!

In my photography class last night, we learned how to make pictogram's! it was pretty cool. and tomorrow we're going to make our own, and I'm really exited about it.

So what is a photo gram, you might ask? all you do is put an object on a piece of photo paper and then expose it to light, then develop the paper, and it turns out something like this...

Its kind of a revese shadow.

And thats a pohtogram. This should be fun.

Today.

Today I stared school... Not so bad. I relay like my psychology professor. He went off on about five or six random little tangents that took about fifteen to twenty minutes each. and that was just during attendance!
I found Katie! we have a break in classes at the exact same time, and plan to hang out a bunch this semester, which makes me happy. I do like that Katie girl...
So any way, I'm writing from the school library because I'm so very board. my next class doesn't start till 4:00 and I'm stuck hear. when I get my drivers licence, I can go places and visit people in this time, but for now I'm stuck.

The End.

Quotes and Irony.

Today I went quote hunting. I haven't done that in a long time, so it was nice. I think that its pretty odd that I collect quotes. I know some people collect quotes for people they know, but I collect them from anyone. mostly famous people. I had a book that was mostly full, but I lost it.
any way, hear are some of my favorites that I found today.

1)“A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.”
-C.S. Lewis

2)“This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.”
-Ibid

3)“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”
Ibid

4)“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.”
-Abraham Lincoln

5)“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
-Mark Twain

6)“If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for the Creator, there is no poverty.”
-Rainer Maria Rilke

7)“How happy is the blameless Vestals lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.”
-Alexander Pope

Oh how I love quotes! the only downside is that now it will take forever to put them all in my book... oh well.

I realized today that I picked up a habit from Jesse that use to annoy me to no end. When he had nothing to do, he would just pace the house and snap his fingers. It would annoy me. But now I do it , too. Oh the irony...

something that made me laugh

So I was just looking at my info. to make sure that I didn't miss spell, or mess anything up (I have some rather scatterbrained tendencies) and it turned out that I did. When i put in my birthday, instead of putting "1991" I put just 91. So on my profile it said that I was 1917 years old!
So anyway, that's my random story for the day. (don't worry, i won't really tell those every day) I don't know if anyone else will find it funny, but I did.

Down

Going down stairs. It was like going int a past world. A world that I was once a part of. I found my Romanian Bird whistle that Sarah gave me when I was nine. And a note from Emily from a few years back. I was reminded of how silly we were, back then. But also I was reminded of the way things were when I didn't see as clearly as I do now. the memories were foggy, and blurred together. Memories of when I would sink into my own mind and not come out for days, weeks, sometimes months.
But I see now how harmful that can be. When the only things you truly see and hear are from yourself...When you don't let others in.
But thing are different now. Different is not always better. Different can hurt. But this difference has brought with it, a joy unlike any I have had before. I know that the joy and the difference came from Him.(God) From loving him as best I can and trying to love others in the way that I know he loves me and them.
There was something inside of me. holding me back, not letting me be what I knew I was capable of. I am glad to tell you all that it has left. I don't know when it left, or how, but it is gone.
"And so it took doing down to realize that I was realy going up..."

New year, New blog.

Ok, so it' s the 12th, and the new year is already started, but it's still early. Anyway, this is a new blog.
I have never had a blog that was verry sucsesful, because I'm not good at writing every day.
But I'm pretty determand to make this one differant.
So today I took the test to get my drivers licence for the second time, and failed for the second time...so yeah, that sucks. I usualy don't get up set over thing like that but today I was for some reason. It realy anoyed me because I knoew I shouldn't be, but I was.
and i'm gonna stop talking about that now because I don't want to complain. (even thou I already did.)
Thats about all for today.