Leavin' Home and Commin' Home.

Tomorrow marks the END of my first semester here. I feel like I should be wandering around in sandals and short sleeves, not knowing anyone, or what to do with myself... Man, I'm glad that part is over. I'm glad that I belong here now.

I'm also glad that I'm going to be on break soon though. I feel like this: It's easier to be myself back in St. Louis, because people know what I'm like already. I guess some do here too, but not to the same extent. I feel like everything I do here is forming an opinion in the minds of other as to what kind of person that I am. It's true; that is what is happening. In one way, i like that, and it's really exiting. But at the same time, it will be nice to not have to worry about that for a while.

Also, I'm a little nervous about next semester... I'm already asking myself why on earth I'm taking 18 hours... But I can do it!(I think) Here is my reasoning behind it all:
This semester I took 15 hours (6 Classes), and got by with pretty good grades, and pretty much no organization of...anything. So if I actually work ahead on easy things over break, and be organized and all that poop, then I'm sure I'll be fine... I guess only time will tell.

Speaking of grades, I was surprised yesterday by a ridiculously easy OT final, which brought my grade up to barely an A. But it's still an A, and Dr. Miller in my new favorite person in the world.

That is all.

laundry list

I've been meaning to post for quite some time now. I've accualy started several post, but then (due to time constraints or something like that) not finished them. So sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, here is a list of some things that are on my mind. Because if I actually typed them all out in detail, I'm afraid you would all get bored, old or (more than likely) both by the time you were done reading it.

1. I can't wait till thanksgiving. I really miss St. Louis. (for the people, not so much the place its self)
2. I love this College (again, mostly because of the people).
3. WINTERFEST! There is practically nothing that could stop me from going (like always, but more so this year than others).
4. I've been getting the feeling lately that I'm not going to be home from college as much as others (and by that I mean people at other schools). For many reasons. I think I like that fact.
5. (to go along with #4) I've been realizing lately, that home is not so much a place as it is a concept, and I find myself very, very blessed to have more than one.
6. RANDOM FACT! I'm listening to Emery right now, and they make me feel cool, cause I'm a nerd.
7. God is amazing.

And that is all... for now.

My First Blog post From College!

So here it is. I meant to blog about a week and a half ago, but couldn't for a few reasons.
1. I had no Internet.
2. Even if I had had Internet, I wouldn't have had time.
But now freshmen weekend is over, and so is the first week of class. And I have a bit of time before I have to go get stated on homework. Most of which is reading the bible. By the end of the semester, I will have read the entire Old testament, (and the new, If I go on with the summer reading) and the book of John twice. Plus analyzing 1 Peter, and Jonah.

And I like my hall. Allot.

Yesterday was kind of the best I've had in what seems like a long time. (it feels like I've been here for at least a month) Not that other days were bad, but yesterday was really fun. I had class all day till two, then at three, I went and tried out for choir, and made it. (but they say that pretty much everyone dose, so don't be to impressed.)
Then last night there was an all school picnic at a nearby lake! (not the whole school actually came)
On the way there and back, a bunch of us sang praise songs and stuff. It was great, and and reminded me of home. After we got back, we went to the lounge, and did some more singing, followed by a game of Psychiatrist. And NINJA! But it was slightly different than our ninja, cause you could move anywhere, and attack anyone! So that was great.

So there is a little update on my life. There is so much more I could say, but I'll wait.
I love you all, and can't wait to see you all (in September)!

I'm such a nerd.

You see, I've been talking to my roommate over email, and we just (literaly, just. As in, about ten minutes ago) became facebook friends. She seems really cool... I feel so dumb when I first meet people. But I'll get over it.

p.s. WHY HAS NOBODY BLOGGED IN FOREVER?... Dear summer, you are stupid. Never end. Love Beth.

The Sun Will Come Out.

Sometimes Life momentarily loses it's beauty. Today was one of those days for me. I was with my friends nearly all day, and I liked my friends nearly all day too. But sometimes life just gets dull.

Like a piece of silver that has tarnished and lost it's shine over night.

I tried hard to look at the normality that surrounded me and see beauty in it. I tried to stretched my mind into loving the common things that were all around, pressing down silently on my resolve. But I failed.

My prayer tonight is that I don't let the days look like this anymore.

Tomorrow I'll be different (my hearts eternal cry).

Tomorrow I'll be better. I'll live outside of my own head; Outside of the vanity that so often consumes me, and I will be what I was meant to be. It would be easier if I knew what that looked like.

Tomorrow, I will not use the word "I" so much.

How often we put all of our hopes and dreams into our tomorrows. I wonder If they feel pressured to be perfect? I would.

But why not hope hope for today?

"Because it is too late for today."

Well, I'm back from Bequia. It was amazing. I made some friends. That surprised me. I'm really not good at talking to people. Even children. It's just something that dose not come naturally or easily. So I know that God was working in me. It's so exiting! And it's not over. I gave my address, to three little girls from the VBS. They are sisters. Kima who is nine, Tasya who is eight, and Ashanti who is seven. They don't go to church, but they came to vbs every single day. Tasya -the middle girl- clung to me all week simply because I played football with her the first day. Things like that have got to be God. I'm not even athletic.

Guys, Pleas pray for these kids. Not just the sisters, but all of them. Cameron said that allot of the kids there (including the sisters) are street kids. That means that their parents are working all day, and they are left to fend for themselves. Plus allot of them are coming from really broken homes, and it was apparent. They were all so hungry for love. leaving was hard.

Also, I made friends with one of the teens, which was even MORE shocking and exiting. Her name is Angelique, and she is thirteen. She was in mine and Graces' small group all week, but barely talked. By Thursday, she was starting to warm up. Conversations and games were easy, and she was even asking a few questions in the study. Friday morning, we invited all of the teens to go swimming at the beach near our house. Angelique and I got to talk for a bit while everybody else was off walking, and she really started to open up, and talk about her family and just some stuff we had talked about during the week. Pleas pray for the teens too. Many of them are really full of passion, and want to serve God. Just pray that they will be examples for the rest of the church, and become leaders, because I know that they can.

Anyway, there are one Billion more stories that could be told (and will be if you ask me in person). But the week was great. I'm really exited about all of the relationships that we made, and just to see what happent next. Because no way this is the end.

JOOOON!

Well. I have not blogged much as of late. First it was because I was off campin' (which was hard, wet, tiring, kind of awful, and really wonderful, all at the same time) . After that, I had a suprisingly busy week of friends and family, and Bequia meetings. That brings me to this weeks endevors; getting ready for Bequia. I really can't wait. I feel like this trip is just really suposed to happen, and that God has brought together just the right people for it. I can't wait to see how He is going to use each of us! It's SO exiting.

I love the thought that God is using me, and lately in my life, it's been undenyable. I've really seen how He has used my past to teach me things that I need to know now. And I can see how the things that are in my life now, are helping to shape my future. The crazy thing is that I have no idea what that future will be, but I can see and feel it coming none the less. * deep sigh * ... life is beautiful... And God is amazing. Never forget those things, ok?

But back to Bequia. As I said, I feel like God will do big things, and I know that he can. I want you all to pray for us though. although it is not really us, but God in us that wil make any differance, we, as a team, need your prayer. there is so much that none of us really know how to handle. Just with the culture differances that we will be facing; they are huge. I feel like I won't be able to relate to them, but God can use anyone. Even a bunch of white suberban kids. Just pray, ok? God is moving.

My thoughts are not verry clear at the moment. Sorry for that. but I'll try and blog again before I leave. If not, see you all in July!

I feel pathetic. Who would have guessed that I could get this emotional over some cats.
Hugo and Iron Man just left. I will never see them again. I already miss them.

This whole experience has thought me something thought. Well, more like re enforced something that I already had thought about. I Will never have childeren of my own. I just can't. I want a family, but if I'm like this after a few weeks of raseing some cats, what on earth would happen with acual children that are a part of me, and that I rased for years and years? I just can't imagen it. It is settled. I'm adopting all of my kids. ( "But Beth, that will not be any easyer!"..." Yes, I know that...")

Any way, I want to talk to you guys. I mean really talk. Because I really love you all. How about sunday?

Waking Up with the Dawn.

I woke up just before five O' clock this morning. By five after five, it was clear that my sleep was over. I was Ok with this. It was ever so slightly dark when I went outside, and very quiet.
Sometimes it's just really nice to do things that you don't usually do, just to remind you how much you like living. It's easy to forget, sometimes, that life is about living and not just being alive.
Here is what I thoughts this morning-

I was thinking about my friends and just realized another reason that I like you guys so much. And it is this; you don't try and be anything other than what you are. I guess that we might have learned this from each other, because i find myself being the same way.

All of my life, from the time I was born on, I was always trying to be cool. And whenever I tried, I failed (quite miserably). But around the time that I started hanging out with you guys, (my sophomore year of high school) and really getting to you you all, I started caring less about what others thought, and started just being myself. That was new. I don't think I ever completely stopped being myself, I just twisted myself to fit the mold of what I thought was "cool". It wasn't.

Maybe I it was because I fit in better than i ever have before. We all like allot of the same things, and that helps. But as I said at the beginning of spiel, I think we just accept who we are. So what if we are white suburban kids, who are kind of nerdy, and laugh at the word poop a little to much. that's who we are. And I like like who we are. Let's never stop, Ok?

P.S. did anyone get that really cheesy reference that was my title? I sort of hope not.

Dust in the wind

I had this thought early this morning, while I was literally half asleep. I just thought I would share it.
I was thinking about Psalm 103: 14. Which says, "For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." I really like that verse. And I though, "If we are dust, God must be the wind."
It makes sense. We are just little dust particles sitting around, incapable of doing anything worth doing, or even moving on our own. We need something bigger and something outside of ourselves to move us. That something is the wind. It brought us to where we are now, and anywhere that we go in the future will only be at the will of the wind.

And we (at least, some) think in our little dust heads, "Isn't the Wind great, and powerful for being able to move us?" And it is. But we will never understand it's full power. As dust, we will never see the wind blowing through the trees, or forming tornadoes and hurricanes. When the tiniest of breezes is enough to awe and confuse us, What would happen to us in the wake of a tornado?... Or even a strong gust...

I don't know... just thought it was kind of an interesting picture.

Five days and counting.

Five. That's how many more days that I have to go to that place. I simply can't wait till I'm dome with it forever.

There is so much to look forward to this summer! Camp, (I'm about 90% going) Bequia, helping my best friend plan her wedding (CRAZY!), and of course 31 bucket list items with my other bff's... I will be so proud of us if we do everything on that list.

And the fall! I'm so exited about Calvary! Which is odd, because I'm dreading leaving everybody behind. Not my family so much as my friend. I'm sure that I will miss my family once I actually get there, but they are my family. I have to stay in contact with them weather I want to or not.(I do.) But my friends are different. They are like family that everyone expect you not to stay in touch with.

I decided that I just cant be like Sarah in this regard. I can't just be ok with making friends and then moving on to somewhere else to make new ones. The ironic thing is that I am moving on... I suppose that I'll just have to find a way to make new ones while keeping the ones I already have. I'm pretty hopeful that it is possible. It has to be.

Anyway, I'm accualy supposed to be writing the last of my research paper, so I should really get back to that.(seeing as it's due tomorow...)
Loveyouallandbye!

Nerves.

NervousNervousNervousNervousNervousNervous!

.....That's all.

My thoughts; the condensed version.

I have allot on my mind to say the least. First, and most obvious, the Pyles. All I really can do is pray. I just don't know how to feel about it, so this is the shortest (and yet the most important) thing I'm going to say. Pleas Pray for them.

Well... on Thursday night, I'm going to Calvary, and go to class and chapel with a student there. I'm. So. Nervous. I don't really know why... other than the fact that this could be my future. Also, I got my transcripts sent from Flo today, so all I have to do is wait and see if they accept me.

Lastly, I'm going to be out of town for the next to weekends, so I probably won't see you guys much. I really dislike that idea. I hate getting easily attached to people. But I've talked about that before, and I think I mostly need to get over it. Anyway, I love you all even if you don't see me for a bit... See you later.

Today I need to...

Stop loving what isn't and bask in reality.
To dream is to live
And hope moves us forward.
But dwelling on futile notions of what will be,
Of what could be... That will only leave me empty.

A solution:
Love small thing.
Don't hold back those childish fancies that come unexpectedly.
As we grow, they become fewer and fewer.
Capture them when they come, and exhaust them.
If in the proses, you find your self exhausted, even better.
Don't forget the things that make you human.

The(abrupt) end (of my self-reminder...)

Seven!

Stella had SEVEN kittens yesterday. here are some pictures that Sarah to

That is allot for a cat that has never had kittens before. And It's sort or surprising that they all lived, and were all OK. I didn't realize how small they would be. I guess that I was also allot smaller the last time that we had cats this small...

It's kind of amazing. they are full cats, with whiskers, and claws and everything! but their just shrunken! Crazy...

Well, that's about all. I just thought I should express to you all, my fascination.

"These thoughts of mine are random."

"Jack Bauer is a stud." -My Dad!

I just had to share that. it was the best part of my day so far.

Anyway, Things improved after spring break. In many ways. My schedule is better, and busier. I like it though. Only 6.5 weeks of school left till summer. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Calvary. and that makes me so exited and so afraid at the same time. I know it going away will be good for me, and I'm sure I will like it once I get used to it, but as you may well know, I am very bad at change.

Also, before the break, life felt, for lack of a better word, just sort of disjointed. Not bad, just sort of not normal, and not quite lined up right. I don't know if I'm even making sense, but that's OK!

So after this Sunday, I really want to read the book of Hosea. I've read some of it, and I know the story, but I think I want to understand it better. So I'll probably do that. Also, I may read this book again. (for the millionth time)

That is all for now, but expect more in the near future. I just re-realized how much I really like blogging.

Where?

Grapes. Emery. The smell of last year on my hands. It helps.

Just today.

I got this book today at the Library.

I already love it. It's all about how people have used codes since the dawn of time, and it talks about Hieroglyphs, and other ancient kinds of writing. I also talks about the people who used them, like the Free Masons, and Christians in early Rome, and I could go on and on, but I will spare you.

The more I say the word "Codes" the more I think the it could also be a really funny nick-name for the name Cody. (But spelled with a "z" of course)

Also, I really like Spanish class. It is my favorite.

Lastly, I want it to be spring. SO. BAD!

That is the end. Good bey.

Across two February's

Well, I was just reading over some old posts that I wrote, about this time last year. I wrote so much last February! It makes me feel like such a slacker. Also, I feel SO dumb! I had written about allot of good thoughts. ones that could have affected me so much more if only I had let them. But instead, I just let allot of them fall out of my head. But at least I wrote them down, so I can be reminded, and maybe if I read them enough, they will stick one of these days. It also makes me miss last year.
Which makes me feel old.
I don't know why though. I know that I'm not.

Also today, I'm in a very strange sort of mood. I really don't know how to describe it. But it is not new to me. It's not a bad mood, just... well, I really don't know. Just sort of off.

...the end.

Question of the day:

If all humans on earth since the dawn of time had been born with a pair of salad tongs in place of one hand, and the lid to an ice bucket in the place of the other, what would our lives be like?

This is a diagram that I drew... just because.

This question came into my very strange head, when I found a racket ball, and shortly after, an ice bucket lid, and some salad tongs. I tried to invent a game out of the three things, but it is harder than it might seem. That was when I figured that if the above question was less of a "what if" and more of the truth, then life would be very different. The games we play, the way we live... there would be no need for gloves. then what would we call glove boxes? It was too big of a question to keep inside. So I asked my dad. This is what he said (but not the exact words);

If we had no hands, and therefore, no oppose able thumbs, we would still be foraging for barriers, and eating roots.

Apparently, to my dad, thumbs are the pinnacle of human development. That is something that I don't quite understand. But we, as humans (with thumbs) are not made to understand everything. Maybe if we had tongs and bucket lids. Maybe.

Life, and such.

My life. Today, I love it. And I will tell you about, and assume that you care because you are reading my blog.

First off, school. I really like my classes this semester, even though they are allot more work than last. I cant feel my self learning and I love it. Quick question... Do any of you get these head ache sort of things after you have been studying for a while? It doesn't really hurt, it just feels kind on tense, like your head is full and tiered of concentrating. I always thought that is was normal, but the other day, I told my mom, and she had no idea what I was talking about.

Also, I dropped my painting class, and am trying to get into creative writing II, because it was my favorite class last semester. I'm gonna call the professor when I'm done with this, and that sort of freaks me out, because I don't like talking on the phone at all. it makes me uneasy just talking to my friends. So it's worse when it's a stranger, and we are talking about important things... oh well. I guess that I have to get over that some time.

in other news, I found this little heart hole punch the other day, and it reminded me that it is almost Valentines day. I don't usually care about this particular day of the year, but the heart hole punch was so cute! so I have been making cards for the past two week, and I'm not gonna lie. some of them are really cute.

so that is about all. Yeah, my life is not the most exiting... but it is my life, and I like it. So, the end.

Burn

The other day I was thinking about "the call of god".

(Disclaimer: I don't know what I'm talking about! I'm not a theologian or anything. these are just my thoughts.)

I was just thinking about how this has played into my life (though it is a short one, so far), and that sort of thing. It is something that I have thought about quite a bit. especially over the last year or so. But this morning I realized something that I think might be key. I realized that every time in my life that I have heard God "calling" me, it is not when I'm striving to hear from Him.

I suppose to some extent, I am always striving to hear Him, So maybe I should specify what I mean. I guess I should say, obsessing about making plans, and almost worrying about what it is I should be doing with my life. Obsessions don't do us much good in this life (unless it is about God).

But anywho, I was realizing that the times when I feel the most called to do something, it is not when I'm asking him to, but when I'm simply focusing on Him, and trying my best to love Him, and those around me. Then I thought about this analogy. Its pretty a pretty commonly used parallel, but it fit here, too.

Ok, so you know how the bible says that we are the light of the world? well, it's true. I see it like this: Every person in the world is like a tea candle. But at first, we are not lit. we just wander around in the dark, bumping into other unlit tea candles. And God is like the sun. But he is So bright, and hot, that he can't really reveal Him self to us, except in small doses. So, one day, he sent a match along (Jesus), so that some of us could be lit, and in turn light up others.

So, you might ask, "how dose this relate at all to God will for our lives?" Well, you see, even after we are lit, our flame is pretty small. We can only illuminate a small area around us. Just one tea candle in a dark room does not do much. You need allot of them to really be affective. So God who is light, and is the only one who knows all of the little lights, -lit and unlit- sometimes brings many of them together, and makes a bonfire, and turns a bunch of tiny flames into something more. But we are small, and without him, are just stumbling around, only aware of our own little circles of light. we can't see the big picture, that is a darkened world. when we try to seek out the bonfire that he has for us on our own, we fail. but if we just focus on burning as bright as we can, while keeping in mind that it is His light, and not our own, then he will lead us to where we need to be. He can and will-if we let him- do great things with us.

... So go little candles, and burn for the one who lit you.

Wake up, oh sleepers.

I have spoken to many of you (the faithful readers of my scatter-headed thoughts) concerning the last semester. but I do believe that it is time I write about it. I seems like this will make it more official (though I know it won't). This is the story.

To begin with, I was asleep. Spiritually, that is. And I see that now, because I am awake. I find it odd how perfect this analogy fits my recant life.
As with real sleep, I can't put my finger on when it was, exactly that I fell asleep, but the important thing about it is that it happened. I didn't realize that I was asleep (again, like with the real thing) until I was stating to be woken up. that, in the end, is the better story. For you see, the sleep was very, for lack of a better word, sleepy. I didn't really do much. I went to school, I hung out with my friends, and went to church. The same things as always. But there was some sort of lag, or loll that hung about me. I think that it may be one of those things that you can't really understand fully until it is experienced first hand. But don't try to experience it. it is not the sort of thing that you want to try and understand just for the sake of understanding it.

This state of life continued for quite some time. I did learn things. I did grow. but it was not because I was trying to. I just seemed to fall into things, and then God would use them. looking back, every situation in which I learned things, was a bit dream like. Not in the way that it feels like it was dream, but more like I didn't really know what was happening. I was aware of what I was doing, but only like you are in dreams. Just going about, getting done what needs to get done, and then (seemingly) aimlessly wandering.

It is an unfathomably good thing that God is bigger than us, though. He woke me up. You know how, sometimes, words or phrases follow you, so to speak? well the whole time that I was "asleep", there was this phrase in my head, "wake up, oh sleeper." now remember that this meant nothing to me, as I didn't know that I was asleep. But it kept on popping up. Another thing that is noteworthy, is that there was a verse, too. But with it, I think that I was following it, albeit blindly as much as it followed me. I liked it without reason. (other than that it was the word of God...) It was really just one bit, really. but it also seemed prominent. "Walk as children of light."

I will not go into full detail here, about the waking up proses, but I will do my best to sum it up. The first few times that I heard ( and I mean, really head) the words, "Wake up oh sleeper." It didn't really wake. But that doesn't mean that it didn't help. Though I didn't wake up, did discover that I was asleep, and had been for some time, and needed to awaken. Then, Slowly but surely, it started. I began to see and feel things again. And most of all, I began to want to seek God, and his purpose for my life.

So that is my past four and a half months in a nut shell. And I am glad to say that I'm awake. things are not perfect. I'm a bit groggy, and my eyes are still blurry with sleep, but I'm up, and moving, and walking. And that it good.

Guys, please don't let me forget about this. More importantly, don't let me forget that It was God who did the waking. Not me.

The End

p.s. I for got to say that the two little followers, (wake up oh sleeper, & walk as children of light) happen to be right next to each other, in Ephesians 5 (8-13).

We, the Hopefull Young

I picked up the book, Do Hard Thing today. I hadn't read it in quite some time.I really like that book. This is something that it said that caught me.

...Could it be that teenagers today are faced with a unique opportunity to do hard things-not just as individuals, but as a generation? And not just any hard things but big history-shaping ones? To put it another way, could it be that our particular crop of young people has been placed on earth at this pivotal time in history for a reason

It goes on to talk about the fact that this generation of young people faces allot of challenges, but don't get discouraged as others might.
I had been thinking about this exact thing just before I picked up the book. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like our generation is meant to do and be more. I don't really know what I mean by "more". more of what? I really cant say, but I have felt for some time (after watching my older siblings and their friends grow up,) that I, along with the majority of my age group was different in some way. I can't pinpoint it, but the difference is there.(or at least it is to me.)

I really want to know what other people think about this, so if you have something to say, please tell me! I really want to hear it. I want to know if you guys see our world drastically changing before your eyes, or if I'm just crazy. I have seen it for a while. Things are changing. I know that that really isn't saying allot due to the fact that our world is constantly changing all around us. but thing are becoming...different. that is the only word that I cant think of to say it.

Sometimes i get the feeling that it could all be wishful thinking. Why, you may ask? Well I will tell you. and I will do this using some quotes (that I found while reading my New International Dictionary of Quotations!).

"Youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope"
-Aristotle

"Youth is a period of missed opportunities."
-Cyril Connolly

"Youth it quick in feeling but weak in judgment."
-Homer

"The American ideal is youth-handsome, empty youth."
-Henry Miller

Now I know that not all of these are true, but things of this nature seem to be prevalent in the view point of many. This makes me so incredibly thankful for two things. One; all of my young friend that are not empty, and Two; all of those in my life who see us youth as more, and encourage us to be more. We couldn't thank them enough for not giving up on us.

So, goodbye, and let me know what you think about this.

The start of something new

The holidays are officially over. And I'm actually ready for the new semester to start. I don't start school for a while, so if you have any suggestions of what I should fill my days with lemme know! I think I'm so ready because things seem to be better. the sleep seems to be over. but maybe it is just the holiday, and winterfest talking. Maybe once the routine starts back up, things will fade back into the monotony that they were such a short time ago... I sure hope not. Not that it was awful, but it was not as good, not as deep as it could have bee. But God used it for his glory none the less. because He is bigger. And will always be so. That is what we must focus on. That will hold us together.