summer skin.

It's August. I haven't blogged since June. What should I say?.... Well, I'm not going to walk you through my summer, because that would take to long. So I'll try to sum it up. (even though it's not quite over.)

Ok. so , I'm more confident in my choice to stay in St. Louis, but WAY less happy with the fact that i graduated early. It's starting to hit me... no, that's a lie. It hit me a while ago. But it's becoming more and more real to me that I will have to leave my friends. I still don't want to, and I still will be their friends, but I don't think it will be the same. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wonderfully mistaken. Maybe things won't change as much as I've been thinking they will....
Or maybe that's all just wishful thinking...I guess we'll find out soon.

Anyways, I like that Sarah moved back. I like seeing her more often. I really like those sisters of mine.

I wrote this the other day. and it kind of is about this summer. So I'll show you. Then I'll stop. Sorry if you don't understand this.

In the mountains, God was there.
In the air port, He was there too.
He was there in the heat.
He was with me under the bridge, and he walk with me down the tracks.
He was in the sky when it didn't seem real, and on the ground, when it was to real...

He was with us on the tower.
He was in the lights... on the hill.
He is the beauty that we felt,
And we don't see Him.
He is in us. Not just around us. Not just with us, but in us.

And before the mountains, He was there.
before I was there, he was with me.
His infinite, unfathomable love filled the emptiness than would be all of us.
Then it made me.
Then it searched me out relentlessly.
When it had it's hold on me, it filled me.
It overflowed.
And it works in me.
It is making me beautiful in time.

But to Him, I am beautiful.
To him I am light. A small light, but a light.
Because he is light.
And I am his child.
I am a child of light.

life

It's June. What can I say about June?
Well I'm about to leave for Mexico. Then after that I'm going to New york. I'm exited about both. I feel really odd lately. kind of lost. I'm exited about the summer. I'm exited about the fall. but I'm afraid. I'm going to college! What the heck?! I don't want to go to college. but I'm lying I do want to go, I'm just afraid.
I just don't want to leave my friends. Sarah told me that it's really OK to leave friend behind because you will still keep in touch with the ones you are close to. But I'm close to all my friends! I get attached to people so easily! most of them probably don't know it. I guess that's a good thing in the end, but it doesn't feel helpful at all right now.

But what can I do? I can't stay in high school forever, and even if I did, my friends would graduate eventually. I guess this is just life. I don't like it. I don't like change. But I should get over that, because as humans, the only thing we notice is change. And also, in this life, the only person we can count on to always be there is ourselves. people fail. that's life. I'm glad I know God. even though it would seem that I know nothing about him.

So here's what I'll do. I'll just run head-long into this change. I'll cling to my friends while while I have them. I'll make new ones when I don't have them any more. And I'll cling to God till the day that I die, cause he is m only certainty. I guess that's what life is...

Dylan.

I fond this song today on Pandora. It's not new. Bob Dylan wrote it. Jason Mraz dose a good cover of it though. Best Lyrics I've heard, ever.

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue eyed son?
And what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin'
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand takers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin'
I heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world
I heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin'
I heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin'
I heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin'
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, who did you meet my blue-eyed son?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony
I met a white man who walked a black dog
I met a young woman whose body was burning
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow
I met one man who was wounded in love
I met another man who was wounded and hatred
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are a many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
Where the executioner's face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell and think it and speak it and breathe it
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my songs well before I start singin'
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

we're Lost!

I am now going to go off onto a furious rant on my favorite show ever....(Lost)

I am SO Angry right now! You have no idea. since the beginning of the show I have had seven favorite characters. "Wow, that's kind of allot for one show." you might say. but no. it isn't, because they all die!(all but one) I'm not even joking! Six people that I love! (yeah I know they are not real) It's kind of heart wrenching! First Boon, then Charlie, then Libby, Echo, Charlotte, and now... well I wont say the last one for the sake of those who have not yet sen the finale. But Favorite Characters number Seven is dead. And what on earth was up with that ending?! Come on people!

OK, now that that's out of my system...

I have been talking about a bunch of stuff lately that has confused me like none other. It kind of all started in Sunday school, but it had been in my mind for some time before that. I am still processing allot of it, but may blog about it a a later date. for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you may know the confusion. for those of you who don't know, but want to, ask me in person. And last for those of you who could care less, stop reading my blog.

That's all.

Title

I have three new journals. This would usually be an overwhelming thing, but it isn't now. I already know what each is going to be used for. I really like journals. writing means so much more than typing... I will now tell you about one.

It's the most boring looking one of them all. It is just an old composition notebook the I haven't used, and so I'm using it now. My goal is to have it completely full by the end of summer. I'm not just writing in it though. I'm gonna put pictures and bunch of stuff like that in there too. It may sound kind of lame, but pleas don't tell me if it is, because I am exited about it, and that's all that matters.

Also, I am officially graduated. After tonight, that is. I have my last final, then I'm done. In a few short months, I'll be an adult and a college student. how very strange...

Oh toady! I do wish you were not so sunny...
The sun taunts me today. I think I almost heard it laugh.
I am not in a sunny mood today. This however, done not mean that I am sad. acualy, qiute the oposite. I just am not in the mood for sun.
I think a slow, cool drisle would be ideal.

I don't know what this is about, this silly thing that I'm writing.

latley I have been wondering alot, if my friends know how much they mean to me. I really hope that you all do. ALL of you, ok?...but no all of you read this. So maybe I should tell you.

...goodbey.

?

What to say? There is so much...
It just hit me that I am graduating. Prom. Last night....
I have one week of classes left. a few days ago that exited me to no end. Now....
What do I do now? Were do I go from hear?

I will miss all of this. Funny how when I first started, I thought I would hate it all so much. Now I am defined by it. How do you leave what defines you, and stay yourself? Can you? There are just so many questions. If anyone knows the answers, I would greatly appreciate it if you would let me know as you can.

There is so much left in my head that needs to be said, but it won't come out now. Not over the Internet, anyway.
I'll see you.