Contemplations from an overactive imagination.

WELL HEY THERE!

2011-11-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

Hey. Hello. Hi.

I haven't blogged since the spring. I was just reading over old post, reminiscing about the glory days of my relativity short blogging life... It made me miss this. So I decided to post this. Also, I felt dumb leaving things as they were in my last post. (Whiny.)

I don't know how regular of a thing this salvaging of my blog will be. I go back and forth as to how much I want to do this. This very post may become another contrived effort in a week of or a month... but that has never stopped me from making said contrived efforts in the past, so...

About the fact that possibly no one will read this; at the moment I don't care. I'm feeling ambitious! So take that, last post! :P

Ok. Now to actually talk about my life... This semester, summed up so far? Good. Better than the last one. Being not a freshman is better than being one. (sorry to all you freshmen out there)

Also, I'm an ARA this year. (assistant resident assistant, which I'm pretty sure no other school in existence has...) That has taught me allot. About patience, and prayer, and how to set examples, and all that good stuff.

Let's see... I'm just doing allot of growing lately (I think... I'm pretty sure).

One thing I am not growing in? Or away from/ out of, I should say: procrastination. For instance! Right now I am blogging instead of writing a paper that is due tomorrow. I'll probably be up super late because of this... But I'll refrain from complaining out of sheer stubbornness, Drink allot of coffee tomorrow, and get on with life.

Now I've come to the awkward part of the blog where I forget how to end these things... So here are some quotes for you that I found recently.

“The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.”

-A. A. Milne

“Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them.”

-Ibid.

“You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

-Ibid.

Are you listening?

2011-03-28T13:19:00.000-07:00

I am the least inspired person on the planet today. There is only one reason that I am writing this post, and that is to tell you all that If you want me to blog ever again, then you should probably comment on the things that I write. I don't care what you say, but when nobody says anything, I assume it's because nobody is reading it. And if no one reading, than what is the point of blogging? I only say this because I have been told in person on more than one occasion that I need to blog more often... So say something please. Also, in case you care, today is the last day of spring break, most of which I spent singing in Michigan. And that is all I'm saying, cause like I said, I'm pretty apathetic today. Bye.

* Insert title here *

2011-03-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

I know that I just blogged or whatever, but who cares? (I'm sorry if you actually do...)

WHAT a nerve wracking day it has been. Guys? I really wish right now that I could talk to you all about things... I miss your advice. Or just presence. I guess this will just have to do.

I started things off with a test at 8. I think that that part actually went well... I think. But I was still nervous.

At 3:20 I had an interview with the deans of my school, for being an RA or ARA. I really don't know how to gauge these sorts of things, but they didn't laugh at me or kick me out of the office or anything. I'm just really afraid of rejection. I know it's silly. I understand that if they don't choose me as an RA or ARA, it really isn't a huge deal. I know that it's not an insult, and I know that it might not even be saying that I'm unqualified. But in my sill mind, I feel like they are saying, "you are not good enough for us."

Last, as I mentioned in my last post, that I am sort of co-teaching the youth at my church? Well tonight was the first night of that. It was pretty humbling. I don't think that it was completely awful or anything... But I have allot to learn. Teaching is hard. I've really only done winterfest teaching before (or the equivalent) and let me tell you something. Teaching your peers is WAY easier than teaching a group of people that is younger than you, and is actually looking to you for teaching. (Or maybe they aren't. I can't really be sure.)

I don't think it was a total loss. I mean, when you're telling people about the word of God, it never is (God can use broken words). And I did learn allot about teaching, and just from preparing the lesson... But what I'm saying is that there is allot of room for improvement on my part.

So yeah. That is my day... I miss you guys. Bye.

Mostly because Marcy told me to...

2011-03-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

Preface.
Ok. I have not blogged in a while... sorry about that. especially if reading my blog is the primary way that you keep up with my life (which I'm realizing is more of you than it used to be...).
So, as much as I would love to write a very long and detailed post, I have little time.. And three tests this week... But I'll try and hit the main highlights.

One.
I'mmmmm really busy this semester. (19 credit hours...) But I really really really like my classes. Dis. Pre. is not nearly as hard as people here make it out to be, but Mr. Smith (who teaches theology, not Dis. Pre.) IS just as hard of a teacher as they say. Also, I think that certain teachers probably conspire on their lessons so that they can emphasize certain themes... tricky little guys...

Two.
This is the book I am currently reading. It is more enlightening than... a light bulb? Spiritual life class? both. Put together.

Three. This is the album that I have been addicted to lately.

Four. For about five weeks, I've been working with the youth group at my church. They have a youth leader (maybe pastor? I'm not really sure...), but he didn't really have any lessons planned. So my friend Ross and I are co teaching. He's going through Genesis, and I'm going through John, and we switch off. I actually haven't taught yet... Wednesday is my first lesson, and I'm really really exited and nervous at the same time. But everyone in the group is really eager to learn, so I think It will be good.

...And that is the end for now.

P.S. I really am going to blog more often... sorry if I fail... again.

Leavin' Home and Commin' Home.

2010-12-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow marks the END of my first semester here. I feel like I should be wandering around in sandals and short sleeves, not knowing anyone, or what to do with myself... Man, I'm glad that part is over. I'm glad that I belong here now.

I'm also glad that I'm going to be on break soon though. I feel like this: It's easier to be myself back in St. Louis, because people know what I'm like already. I guess some do here too, but not to the same extent. I feel like everything I do here is forming an opinion in the minds of other as to what kind of person that I am. It's true; that is what is happening. In one way, i like that, and it's really exiting. But at the same time, it will be nice to not have to worry about that for a while.

Also, I'm a little nervous about next semester... I'm already asking myself why on earth I'm taking 18 hours... But I can do it!(I think) Here is my reasoning behind it all:
This semester I took 15 hours (6 Classes), and got by with pretty good grades, and pretty much no organization of...anything. So if I actually work ahead on easy things over break, and be organized and all that poop, then I'm sure I'll be fine... I guess only time will tell.

Speaking of grades, I was surprised yesterday by a ridiculously easy OT final, which brought my grade up to barely an A. But it's still an A, and Dr. Miller in my new favorite person in the world.

That is all.

laundry list

2010-10-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post for quite some time now. I've accualy started several post, but then (due to time constraints or something like that) not finished them. So sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, here is a list of some things that are on my mind. Because if I actually typed them all out in detail, I'm afraid you would all get bored, old or (more than likely) both by the time you were done reading it.

1. I can't wait till thanksgiving. I really miss St. Louis. (for the people, not so much the place its self)
2. I love this College (again, mostly because of the people).
3. WINTERFEST! There is practically nothing that could stop me from going (like always, but more so this year than others).
4. I've been getting the feeling lately that I'm not going to be home from college as much as others (and by that I mean people at other schools). For many reasons. I think I like that fact.
5. (to go along with #4) I've been realizing lately, that home is not so much a place as it is a concept, and I find myself very, very blessed to have more than one.
6. RANDOM FACT! I'm listening to Emery right now, and they make me feel cool, cause I'm a nerd.
7. God is amazing.

And that is all... for now.

My First Blog post From College!

2010-08-28T08:22:00.000-07:00

So here it is. I meant to blog about a week and a half ago, but couldn't for a few reasons.
1. I had no Internet.
2. Even if I had had Internet, I wouldn't have had time.
But now freshmen weekend is over, and so is the first week of class. And I have a bit of time before I have to go get stated on homework. Most of which is reading the bible. By the end of the semester, I will have read the entire Old testament, (and the new, If I go on with the summer reading) and the book of John twice. Plus analyzing 1 Peter, and Jonah.

And I like my hall. Allot.

Yesterday was kind of the best I've had in what seems like a long time. (it feels like I've been here for at least a month) Not that other days were bad, but yesterday was really fun. I had class all day till two, then at three, I went and tried out for choir, and made it. (but they say that pretty much everyone dose, so don't be to impressed.)
Then last night there was an all school picnic at a nearby lake! (not the whole school actually came)
On the way there and back, a bunch of us sang praise songs and stuff. It was great, and and reminded me of home. After we got back, we went to the lounge, and did some more singing, followed by a game of Psychiatrist. And NINJA! But it was slightly different than our ninja, cause you could move anywhere, and attack anyone! So that was great.

So there is a little update on my life. There is so much more I could say, but I'll wait.
I love you all, and can't wait to see you all (in September)!

I'm such a nerd.

2010-07-27T16:03:00.000-07:00

You see, I've been talking to my roommate over email, and we just (literaly, just. As in, about ten minutes ago) became facebook friends. She seems really cool... I feel so dumb when I first meet people. But I'll get over it.

p.s. WHY HAS NOBODY BLOGGED IN FOREVER?... Dear summer, you are stupid. Never end. Love Beth.

The Sun Will Come Out.

2010-07-25T20:31:00.001-07:00

Sometimes Life momentarily loses it's beauty. Today was one of those days for me. I was with my friends nearly all day, and I liked my friends nearly all day too. But sometimes life just gets dull.

Like a piece of silver that has tarnished and lost it's shine over night.

I tried hard to look at the normality that surrounded me and see beauty in it. I tried to stretched my mind into loving the common things that were all around, pressing down silently on my resolve. But I failed.

My prayer tonight is that I don't let the days look like this anymore.

Tomorrow I'll be different (my hearts eternal cry).

Tomorrow I'll be better. I'll live outside of my own head; Outside of the vanity that so often consumes me, and I will be what I was meant to be. It would be easier if I knew what that looked like.

Tomorrow, I will not use the word "I" so much.

How often we put all of our hopes and dreams into our tomorrows. I wonder If they feel pressured to be perfect? I would.

But why not hope hope for today?

"Because it is too late for today."

2010-07-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from Bequia. It was amazing. I made some friends. That surprised me. I'm really not good at talking to people. Even children. It's just something that dose not come naturally or easily. So I know that God was working in me. It's so exiting! And it's not over. I gave my address, to three little girls from the VBS. They are sisters. Kima who is nine, Tasya who is eight, and Ashanti who is seven. They don't go to church, but they came to vbs every single day. Tasya -the middle girl- clung to me all week simply because I played football with her the first day. Things like that have got to be God. I'm not even athletic.

Guys, Pleas pray for these kids. Not just the sisters, but all of them. Cameron said that allot of the kids there (including the sisters) are street kids. That means that their parents are working all day, and they are left to fend for themselves. Plus allot of them are coming from really broken homes, and it was apparent. They were all so hungry for love. leaving was hard.

Also, I made friends with one of the teens, which was even MORE shocking and exiting. Her name is Angelique, and she is thirteen. She was in mine and Graces' small group all week, but barely talked. By Thursday, she was starting to warm up. Conversations and games were easy, and she was even asking a few questions in the study. Friday morning, we invited all of the teens to go swimming at the beach near our house. Angelique and I got to talk for a bit while everybody else was off walking, and she really started to open up, and talk about her family and just some stuff we had talked about during the week. Pleas pray for the teens too. Many of them are really full of passion, and want to serve God. Just pray that they will be examples for the rest of the church, and become leaders, because I know that they can.

Anyway, there are one Billion more stories that could be told (and will be if you ask me in person). But the week was great. I'm really exited about all of the relationships that we made, and just to see what happent next. Because no way this is the end.

JOOOON!

2010-06-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Well. I have not blogged much as of late. First it was because I was off campin' (which was hard, wet, tiring, kind of awful, and really wonderful, all at the same time) . After that, I had a suprisingly busy week of friends and family, and Bequia meetings. That brings me to this weeks endevors; getting ready for Bequia. I really can't wait. I feel like this trip is just really suposed to happen, and that God has brought together just the right people for it. I can't wait to see how He is going to use each of us! It's SO exiting.

I love the thought that God is using me, and lately in my life, it's been undenyable. I've really seen how He has used my past to teach me things that I need to know now. And I can see how the things that are in my life now, are helping to shape my future. The crazy thing is that I have no idea what that future will be, but I can see and feel it coming none the less. * deep sigh * ... life is beautiful... And God is amazing. Never forget those things, ok?

But back to Bequia. As I said, I feel like God will do big things, and I know that he can. I want you all to pray for us though. although it is not really us, but God in us that wil make any differance, we, as a team, need your prayer. there is so much that none of us really know how to handle. Just with the culture differances that we will be facing; they are huge. I feel like I won't be able to relate to them, but God can use anyone. Even a bunch of white suberban kids. Just pray, ok? God is moving.

My thoughts are not verry clear at the moment. Sorry for that. but I'll try and blog again before I leave. If not, see you all in July!

2010-06-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

I feel pathetic. Who would have guessed that I could get this emotional over some cats.
Hugo and Iron Man just left. I will never see them again. I already miss them.

This whole experience has thought me something thought. Well, more like re enforced something that I already had thought about. I Will never have childeren of my own. I just can't. I want a family, but if I'm like this after a few weeks of raseing some cats, what on earth would happen with acual children that are a part of me, and that I rased for years and years? I just can't imagen it. It is settled. I'm adopting all of my kids. ( "But Beth, that will not be any easyer!"..." Yes, I know that...")

Any way, I want to talk to you guys. I mean really talk. Because I really love you all. How about sunday?

Waking Up with the Dawn.

2010-05-25T04:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up just before five O' clock this morning. By five after five, it was clear that my sleep was over. I was Ok with this. It was ever so slightly dark when I went outside, and very quiet.
Sometimes it's just really nice to do things that you don't usually do, just to remind you how much you like living. It's easy to forget, sometimes, that life is about living and not just being alive.
Here is what I thoughts this morning-

I was thinking about my friends and just realized another reason that I like you guys so much. And it is this; you don't try and be anything other than what you are. I guess that we might have learned this from each other, because i find myself being the same way.

All of my life, from the time I was born on, I was always trying to be cool. And whenever I tried, I failed (quite miserably). But around the time that I started hanging out with you guys, (my sophomore year of high school) and really getting to you you all, I started caring less about what others thought, and started just being myself. That was new. I don't think I ever completely stopped being myself, I just twisted myself to fit the mold of what I thought was "cool". It wasn't.

Maybe I it was because I fit in better than i ever have before. We all like allot of the same things, and that helps. But as I said at the beginning of spiel, I think we just accept who we are. So what if we are white suburban kids, who are kind of nerdy, and laugh at the word poop a little to much. that's who we are. And I like like who we are. Let's never stop, Ok?

P.S. did anyone get that really cheesy reference that was my title? I sort of hope not.

Dust in the wind

2010-05-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

I had this thought early this morning, while I was literally half asleep. I just thought I would share it.
I was thinking about Psalm 103: 14. Which says, "For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." I really like that verse. And I though, "If we are dust, God must be the wind."
It makes sense. We are just little dust particles sitting around, incapable of doing anything worth doing, or even moving on our own. We need something bigger and something outside of ourselves to move us. That something is the wind. It brought us to where we are now, and anywhere that we go in the future will only be at the will of the wind.

And we (at least, some) think in our little dust heads, "Isn't the Wind great, and powerful for being able to move us?" And it is. But we will never understand it's full power. As dust, we will never see the wind blowing through the trees, or forming tornadoes and hurricanes. When the tiniest of breezes is enough to awe and confuse us, What would happen to us in the wake of a tornado?... Or even a strong gust...

I don't know... just thought it was kind of an interesting picture.

Five days and counting.

2010-05-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

Five. That's how many more days that I have to go to that place. I simply can't wait till I'm dome with it forever.

There is so much to look forward to this summer! Camp, (I'm about 90% going) Bequia, helping my best friend plan her wedding (CRAZY!), and of course 31 bucket list items with my other bff's... I will be so proud of us if we do everything on that list.

And the fall! I'm so exited about Calvary! Which is odd, because I'm dreading leaving everybody behind. Not my family so much as my friend. I'm sure that I will miss my family once I actually get there, but they are my family. I have to stay in contact with them weather I want to or not.(I do.) But my friends are different. They are like family that everyone expect you not to stay in touch with.

I decided that I just cant be like Sarah in this regard. I can't just be ok with making friends and then moving on to somewhere else to make new ones. The ironic thing is that I am moving on... I suppose that I'll just have to find a way to make new ones while keeping the ones I already have. I'm pretty hopeful that it is possible. It has to be.

Anyway, I'm accualy supposed to be writing the last of my research paper, so I should really get back to that.(seeing as it's due tomorow...)
Loveyouallandbye!

Nerves.

2010-04-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

NervousNervousNervousNervousNervousNervous!

.....That's all.

My thoughts; the condensed version.

2010-04-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have allot on my mind to say the least. First, and most obvious, the Pyles. All I really can do is pray. I just don't know how to feel about it, so this is the shortest (and yet the most important) thing I'm going to say. Pleas Pray for them.

Well... on Thursday night, I'm going to Calvary, and go to class and chapel with a student there. I'm. So. Nervous. I don't really know why... other than the fact that this could be my future. Also, I got my transcripts sent from Flo today, so all I have to do is wait and see if they accept me.

Lastly, I'm going to be out of town for the next to weekends, so I probably won't see you guys much. I really dislike that idea. I hate getting easily attached to people. But I've talked about that before, and I think I mostly need to get over it. Anyway, I love you all even if you don't see me for a bit... See you later.

Today I need to...

2010-04-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Stop loving what isn't and bask in reality.
To dream is to live
And hope moves us forward.
But dwelling on futile notions of what will be,
Of what could be... That will only leave me empty.

A solution:
Love small thing.
Don't hold back those childish fancies that come unexpectedly.
As we grow, they become fewer and fewer.
Capture them when they come, and exhaust them.
If in the proses, you find your self exhausted, even better.
Don't forget the things that make you human.

The(abrupt) end (of my self-reminder...)

Seven!

2010-04-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

Stella had SEVEN kittens yesterday. here are some pictures that Sarah to

That is allot for a cat that has never had kittens before. And It's sort or surprising that they all lived, and were all OK. I didn't realize how small they would be. I guess that I was also allot smaller the last time that we had cats this small...

It's kind of amazing. they are full cats, with whiskers, and claws and everything! but their just shrunken! Crazy...

Well, that's about all. I just thought I should express to you all, my fascination.

"These thoughts of mine are random."

2010-03-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

"Jack Bauer is a stud." -My Dad!

I just had to share that. it was the best part of my day so far.

Anyway, Things improved after spring break. In many ways. My schedule is better, and busier. I like it though. Only 6.5 weeks of school left till summer. I'm pretty sure I'm going to Calvary. and that makes me so exited and so afraid at the same time. I know it going away will be good for me, and I'm sure I will like it once I get used to it, but as you may well know, I am very bad at change.

Also, before the break, life felt, for lack of a better word, just sort of disjointed. Not bad, just sort of not normal, and not quite lined up right. I don't know if I'm even making sense, but that's OK!

So after this Sunday, I really want to read the book of Hosea. I've read some of it, and I know the story, but I think I want to understand it better. So I'll probably do that. Also, I may read this book again. (for the millionth time)

That is all for now, but expect more in the near future. I just re-realized how much I really like blogging.

Where?

2010-03-18T10:28:00.000-07:00

Grapes. Emery. The smell of last year on my hands. It helps.

Just today.

2010-02-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

I got this book today at the Library.

I already love it. It's all about how people have used codes since the dawn of time, and it talks about Hieroglyphs, and other ancient kinds of writing. I also talks about the people who used them, like the Free Masons, and Christians in early Rome, and I could go on and on, but I will spare you.

The more I say the word "Codes" the more I think the it could also be a really funny nick-name for the name Cody. (But spelled with a "z" of course)

Also, I really like Spanish class. It is my favorite.

Lastly, I want it to be spring. SO. BAD!

That is the end. Good bey.

Across two February's

2010-02-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

Well, I was just reading over some old posts that I wrote, about this time last year. I wrote so much last February! It makes me feel like such a slacker. Also, I feel SO dumb! I had written about allot of good thoughts. ones that could have affected me so much more if only I had let them. But instead, I just let allot of them fall out of my head. But at least I wrote them down, so I can be reminded, and maybe if I read them enough, they will stick one of these days. It also makes me miss last year.
Which makes me feel old.
I don't know why though. I know that I'm not.

Also today, I'm in a very strange sort of mood. I really don't know how to describe it. But it is not new to me. It's not a bad mood, just... well, I really don't know. Just sort of off.

...the end.

Question of the day:

2010-02-08T16:05:00.000-08:00

If all humans on earth since the dawn of time had been born with a pair of salad tongs in place of one hand, and the lid to an ice bucket in the place of the other, what would our lives be like?

This is a diagram that I drew... just because.

This question came into my very strange head, when I found a racket ball, and shortly after, an ice bucket lid, and some salad tongs. I tried to invent a game out of the three things, but it is harder than it might seem. That was when I figured that if the above question was less of a "what if" and more of the truth, then life would be very different. The games we play, the way we live... there would be no need for gloves. then what would we call glove boxes? It was too big of a question to keep inside. So I asked my dad. This is what he said (but not the exact words);

If we had no hands, and therefore, no oppose able thumbs, we would still be foraging for barriers, and eating roots.

Apparently, to my dad, thumbs are the pinnacle of human development. That is something that I don't quite understand. But we, as humans (with thumbs) are not made to understand everything. Maybe if we had tongs and bucket lids. Maybe.

Life, and such.

2010-02-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

My life. Today, I love it. And I will tell you about, and assume that you care because you are reading my blog.

First off, school. I really like my classes this semester, even though they are allot more work than last. I cant feel my self learning and I love it. Quick question... Do any of you get these head ache sort of things after you have been studying for a while? It doesn't really hurt, it just feels kind on tense, like your head is full and tiered of concentrating. I always thought that is was normal, but the other day, I told my mom, and she had no idea what I was talking about.

Also, I dropped my painting class, and am trying to get into creative writing II, because it was my favorite class last semester. I'm gonna call the professor when I'm done with this, and that sort of freaks me out, because I don't like talking on the phone at all. it makes me uneasy just talking to my friends. So it's worse when it's a stranger, and we are talking about important things... oh well. I guess that I have to get over that some time.

in other news, I found this little heart hole punch the other day, and it reminded me that it is almost Valentines day. I don't usually care about this particular day of the year, but the heart hole punch was so cute! so I have been making cards for the past two week, and I'm not gonna lie. some of them are really cute.

so that is about all. Yeah, my life is not the most exiting... but it is my life, and I like it. So, the end.

Burn

2010-01-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

The other day I was thinking about "the call of god".

(Disclaimer: I don't know what I'm talking about! I'm not a theologian or anything. these are just my thoughts.)

I was just thinking about how this has played into my life (though it is a short one, so far), and that sort of thing. It is something that I have thought about quite a bit. especially over the last year or so. But this morning I realized something that I think might be key. I realized that every time in my life that I have heard God "calling" me, it is not when I'm striving to hear from Him.

I suppose to some extent, I am always striving to hear Him, So maybe I should specify what I mean. I guess I should say, obsessing about making plans, and almost worrying about what it is I should be doing with my life. Obsessions don't do us much good in this life (unless it is about God).

But anywho, I was realizing that the times when I feel the most called to do something, it is not when I'm asking him to, but when I'm simply focusing on Him, and trying my best to love Him, and those around me. Then I thought about this analogy. Its pretty a pretty commonly used parallel, but it fit here, too.

Ok, so you know how the bible says that we are the light of the world? well, it's true. I see it like this: Every person in the world is like a tea candle. But at first, we are not lit. we just wander around in the dark, bumping into other unlit tea candles. And God is like the sun. But he is So bright, and hot, that he can't really reveal Him self to us, except in small doses. So, one day, he sent a match along (Jesus), so that some of us could be lit, and in turn light up others.

So, you might ask, "how dose this relate at all to God will for our lives?" Well, you see, even after we are lit, our flame is pretty small. We can only illuminate a small area around us. Just one tea candle in a dark room does not do much. You need allot of them to really be affective. So God who is light, and is the only one who knows all of the little lights, -lit and unlit- sometimes brings many of them together, and makes a bonfire, and turns a bunch of tiny flames into something more. But we are small, and without him, are just stumbling around, only aware of our own little circles of light. we can't see the big picture, that is a darkened world. when we try to seek out the bonfire that he has for us on our own, we fail. but if we just focus on burning as bright as we can, while keeping in mind that it is His light, and not our own, then he will lead us to where we need to be. He can and will-if we let him- do great things with us.

... So go little candles, and burn for the one who lit you.

Wake up, oh sleepers.

2010-01-13T14:15:00.000-08:00

I have spoken to many of you (the faithful readers of my scatter-headed thoughts) concerning the last semester. but I do believe that it is time I write about it. I seems like this will make it more official (though I know it won't). This is the story.

To begin with, I was asleep. Spiritually, that is. And I see that now, because I am awake. I find it odd how perfect this analogy fits my recant life.
As with real sleep, I can't put my finger on when it was, exactly that I fell asleep, but the important thing about it is that it happened. I didn't realize that I was asleep (again, like with the real thing) until I was stating to be woken up. that, in the end, is the better story. For you see, the sleep was very, for lack of a better word, sleepy. I didn't really do much. I went to school, I hung out with my friends, and went to church. The same things as always. But there was some sort of lag, or loll that hung about me. I think that it may be one of those things that you can't really understand fully until it is experienced first hand. But don't try to experience it. it is not the sort of thing that you want to try and understand just for the sake of understanding it.

This state of life continued for quite some time. I did learn things. I did grow. but it was not because I was trying to. I just seemed to fall into things, and then God would use them. looking back, every situation in which I learned things, was a bit dream like. Not in the way that it feels like it was dream, but more like I didn't really know what was happening. I was aware of what I was doing, but only like you are in dreams. Just going about, getting done what needs to get done, and then (seemingly) aimlessly wandering.

It is an unfathomably good thing that God is bigger than us, though. He woke me up. You know how, sometimes, words or phrases follow you, so to speak? well the whole time that I was "asleep", there was this phrase in my head, "wake up, oh sleeper." now remember that this meant nothing to me, as I didn't know that I was asleep. But it kept on popping up. Another thing that is noteworthy, is that there was a verse, too. But with it, I think that I was following it, albeit blindly as much as it followed me. I liked it without reason. (other than that it was the word of God...) It was really just one bit, really. but it also seemed prominent. "Walk as children of light."

I will not go into full detail here, about the waking up proses, but I will do my best to sum it up. The first few times that I heard ( and I mean, really head) the words, "Wake up oh sleeper." It didn't really wake. But that doesn't mean that it didn't help. Though I didn't wake up, did discover that I was asleep, and had been for some time, and needed to awaken. Then, Slowly but surely, it started. I began to see and feel things again. And most of all, I began to want to seek God, and his purpose for my life.

So that is my past four and a half months in a nut shell. And I am glad to say that I'm awake. things are not perfect. I'm a bit groggy, and my eyes are still blurry with sleep, but I'm up, and moving, and walking. And that it good.

Guys, please don't let me forget about this. More importantly, don't let me forget that It was God who did the waking. Not me.

The End

p.s. I for got to say that the two little followers, (wake up oh sleeper, & walk as children of light) happen to be right next to each other, in Ephesians 5 (8-13).

We, the Hopefull Young

2010-01-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

I picked up the book, Do Hard Thing today. I hadn't read it in quite some time.I really like that book. This is something that it said that caught me.

...Could it be that teenagers today are faced with a unique opportunity to do hard things-not just as individuals, but as a generation? And not just any hard things but big history-shaping ones? To put it another way, could it be that our particular crop of young people has been placed on earth at this pivotal time in history for a reason

It goes on to talk about the fact that this generation of young people faces allot of challenges, but don't get discouraged as others might.
I had been thinking about this exact thing just before I picked up the book. Maybe it's just me, but it seems like our generation is meant to do and be more. I don't really know what I mean by "more". more of what? I really cant say, but I have felt for some time (after watching my older siblings and their friends grow up,) that I, along with the majority of my age group was different in some way. I can't pinpoint it, but the difference is there.(or at least it is to me.)

I really want to know what other people think about this, so if you have something to say, please tell me! I really want to hear it. I want to know if you guys see our world drastically changing before your eyes, or if I'm just crazy. I have seen it for a while. Things are changing. I know that that really isn't saying allot due to the fact that our world is constantly changing all around us. but thing are becoming...different. that is the only word that I cant think of to say it.

Sometimes i get the feeling that it could all be wishful thinking. Why, you may ask? Well I will tell you. and I will do this using some quotes (that I found while reading my New International Dictionary of Quotations!).

"Youth is easily deceived because it is quick to hope"
-Aristotle

"Youth is a period of missed opportunities."
-Cyril Connolly

"Youth it quick in feeling but weak in judgment."
-Homer

"The American ideal is youth-handsome, empty youth."
-Henry Miller

Now I know that not all of these are true, but things of this nature seem to be prevalent in the view point of many. This makes me so incredibly thankful for two things. One; all of my young friend that are not empty, and Two; all of those in my life who see us youth as more, and encourage us to be more. We couldn't thank them enough for not giving up on us.

So, goodbye, and let me know what you think about this.

The start of something new

2010-01-04T19:07:00.000-08:00

The holidays are officially over. And I'm actually ready for the new semester to start. I don't start school for a while, so if you have any suggestions of what I should fill my days with lemme know! I think I'm so ready because things seem to be better. the sleep seems to be over. but maybe it is just the holiday, and winterfest talking. Maybe once the routine starts back up, things will fade back into the monotony that they were such a short time ago... I sure hope not. Not that it was awful, but it was not as good, not as deep as it could have bee. But God used it for his glory none the less. because He is bigger. And will always be so. That is what we must focus on. That will hold us together.

Breaking the Awkward Silence

2009-11-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted in a long time...I hope my few followers didn't lose their patients with me. I've been afraid to post, and I can't tell you why. I mean, I really can't. I don't even know why, so it's not like I'm keeping secrets or anything. If I knew why I was afraid, I'd tell you.

Anyhow, I've listened to this song about one million times in the last few weeks, and it's good. It seems strangely applicable to me lately.(Only the verses) again, something I can't explain to you guys. Sorry. but here are the lyrics, and you should listen to it some time. it's very good.

THE ISLAND
They say the skies of Lebanon are burning
Those mighty cedars bleedin’ in the heat
They're showing pictures on the television
Women and children dying in the street
And we're still at it in our own place
Still tryin’ to reach the future through the past
Still tryin’ to carve tomorrow from a tombstone...
But Hey! Don't listen to me! this wasn't meant to be no sad song .

We've heard too much of that before
Right now I only want to be here with you Till the morning dew comes falling And I wanna take you to the island Trace your footprints in the sand
And in the evening when the sun goes down We'll make love to the sound of the ocean
They're raising banners over by the markets
Whitewashing slogans on our shipyard walls
Witchdoctors praying for a mighty showdown No way our holy flag is gonna’ fall
Up here we sacrifice our children To feed the worn-out dreams of yesterday And teach them dying will lead us into glory...
But Hey! Don't listen to me!

cos this wasn't meant to be no sad song .
I've sung too much of that before
Right now I only want to be with you Till the morning dew comes falling I wanna take you to the island And trace your footprints in the sand
And in the evening when there’s no one around We'll make love to the sound of the ocean

Now I know us plain folks don't see all the story
And I know this peace and love's just copping out
And I guess these young boys dying in the ditches Is just what being free is all about
And how this twisted wreckage down on main street Will bring us all together in the end
And we'll go marching down the road to freedom... Freedom……. Freedom

new blog

2009-10-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

So I have a new blog.( http://like-trees-in-november.blogspot.com/)
For writing, and art and things of the like. I have put some on this blog, but I like the idea of having a different one for that stuff, and then this one for stuff like thought and things that happen in my life. So if you interested...

umm...hi. it's me.

2009-10-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

So it turns out that I have not blogged in a long time... Don't know why.
Also, I don't know why I'm blogging now, other than, I haven't blogged in a long time.
Classes are pretty easy. but only one it stupid, so that's good.

Tonight was sufficiently un-enthralling. I watched the office, and felt silly for being so happy for two fictitious characters. I walked to seven eleven in the rain with snow boots on. I don't know why, it just seemed like the thing to do. then, when I got home, I threw a peppermint at the wall. it bounced back and landed on my shoulder. I took that as a sign, and put it back in the candy dish. Next, I poured cold hot chocolate into an old milk jug, one forth cup at a time.

So... my life is not usually this ... odd.
Neither are my blog posts. I promise the next on will be more interesting.
Till then,

The Button Man

2009-08-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

The Button Man

The Button Man is angry
As he holds his quivering light
Because the Button Cat just woke him
In the middle on the night

Those wretched stairs he’ll have to climb,
That hall he’ll have to tread;
They are so very cold and hard.
The make him miss his bed

What could that irksome pussy want?
So urgently she mews,
The Button Man begins to think,
“This could be all a ruse.”

That cat has never ceased to be
The bane of Buttons days.
His time is spent, alone on her
But secretly… she pays.

You see, our little button friend
Has quite an evil side.
That’s what him calm exterior
So aptly tries to hide.

When pussy isn’t watching,
Her doom he tries to plot.
But up until this moment
It all has been for naught.

The latest scheme he’s thought of
Is a rather gruesome one
And he’s thinking that this midnight
Is when it should be done.

As he comes upon his kitty’s spot
With an evil grin,
He opened up the door for her
And begged her to come in.
　　
So in the little kitty trots,
So trusting, so faith-filled
She has no clue that oh so soon,
She will be brutally killed.

He leads the kitty to her dish
And fills it with a treat.
But when she goes to eat it up,
He knocks her of her feet!

He lifts his knife in anger,
Ready for the kill
But just when he’s about to act,
He lost the will to kill.

What could he have been thinking?!

That puss is his best friend.
She may be difficult at times,
But he’ll love her till the end.

He drops the knife to hug her,
But she will not hear of it!
And when he pulls away from her,
He finds he has been bit!

He tries to help her understand;
To make this all work out,
But she has now picked up the knife
And chases him about.

The scene was very bloody
When the cat was finally done.
She quickly washed her hand of him,
Then turned around to run.

“Well, that’s exactly what you get,”
The puss thought with a sigh,
“When the only thing you really want’
Is for your cat to die.”
　
END

2009-08-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

I get attached to people way to easily. I hate change to much. Is there a reason for this? The first fact can be a good thing. I've seen it. But what about the second? Flaw or just how I am?

Oh life... This melancholy roller coaster that taunts us at every turn.
It cruelly shakes us and throws us about. It seldom knows what its doing.
But that's alright, because the one who built the track did. Does. Always will.

Trust Him. He knows what he's doing.

Can't sleep.

2009-08-12T22:04:00.000-07:00

It's late. I got home from youth group, read my notes, then tried unsuccessfully to sleep. So I got up to write to you all. I just need to tell you all that I love you a lot. Seriously. I don't cry. I just don't. but you guys made me bawl tonight. I love you all, and I need you to know that.
I just thought I should let you know. I love you. I'm here for you. And I'm sorry for any time in the future that I won't be there, like if I die, or move far away. ( I don't plan on either of those happening, but it's really up to God.) Those are all the words I have.

P.S. I love you... again.

summer skin.

2009-08-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's August. I haven't blogged since June. What should I say?.... Well, I'm not going to walk you through my summer, because that would take to long. So I'll try to sum it up. (even though it's not quite over.)

Ok. so , I'm more confident in my choice to stay in St. Louis, but WAY less happy with the fact that i graduated early. It's starting to hit me... no, that's a lie. It hit me a while ago. But it's becoming more and more real to me that I will have to leave my friends. I still don't want to, and I still will be their friends, but I don't think it will be the same. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wonderfully mistaken. Maybe things won't change as much as I've been thinking they will....
Or maybe that's all just wishful thinking...I guess we'll find out soon.

Anyways, I like that Sarah moved back. I like seeing her more often. I really like those sisters of mine.

I wrote this the other day. and it kind of is about this summer. So I'll show you. Then I'll stop. Sorry if you don't understand this.

In the mountains, God was there.
In the air port, He was there too.
He was there in the heat.
He was with me under the bridge, and he walk with me down the tracks.
He was in the sky when it didn't seem real, and on the ground, when it was to real...

He was with us on the tower.
He was in the lights... on the hill.
He is the beauty that we felt,
And we don't see Him.
He is in us. Not just around us. Not just with us, but in us.

And before the mountains, He was there.
before I was there, he was with me.
His infinite, unfathomable love filled the emptiness than would be all of us.
Then it made me.
Then it searched me out relentlessly.
When it had it's hold on me, it filled me.
It overflowed.
And it works in me.
It is making me beautiful in time.

But to Him, I am beautiful.
To him I am light. A small light, but a light.
Because he is light.
And I am his child.
I am a child of light.

life

2009-06-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

It's June. What can I say about June?
Well I'm about to leave for Mexico. Then after that I'm going to New york. I'm exited about both. I feel really odd lately. kind of lost. I'm exited about the summer. I'm exited about the fall. but I'm afraid. I'm going to college! What the heck?! I don't want to go to college. but I'm lying I do want to go, I'm just afraid.
I just don't want to leave my friends. Sarah told me that it's really OK to leave friend behind because you will still keep in touch with the ones you are close to. But I'm close to all my friends! I get attached to people so easily! most of them probably don't know it. I guess that's a good thing in the end, but it doesn't feel helpful at all right now.

But what can I do? I can't stay in high school forever, and even if I did, my friends would graduate eventually. I guess this is just life. I don't like it. I don't like change. But I should get over that, because as humans, the only thing we notice is change. And also, in this life, the only person we can count on to always be there is ourselves. people fail. that's life. I'm glad I know God. even though it would seem that I know nothing about him.

So here's what I'll do. I'll just run head-long into this change. I'll cling to my friends while while I have them. I'll make new ones when I don't have them any more. And I'll cling to God till the day that I die, cause he is m only certainty. I guess that's what life is...

Dylan.

2009-05-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

I fond this song today on Pandora. It's not new. Bob Dylan wrote it. Jason Mraz dose a good cover of it though. Best Lyrics I've heard, ever.

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
And where have you been my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, what did you see, my blue eyed son?
And what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin'
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin'
I saw a white ladder all covered with water
I saw ten thousand takers whose tongues were all broken
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin'
I heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world
I heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin'
I heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin'
I heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin'
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Oh, who did you meet my blue-eyed son?
Who did you meet, my darling young one?
I met a young child beside a dead pony
I met a white man who walked a black dog
I met a young woman whose body was burning
I met a young girl, she gave me a rainbow
I met one man who was wounded in love
I met another man who was wounded and hatred
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

And what'll you do now, my blue-eyed son?
And what'll you do now my darling young one?
I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin'
I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest
Where the people are a many and their hands are all empty
Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters
Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison
Where the executioner's face is always well hidden
Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten
Where black is the color, where none is the number
And I'll tell and think it and speak it and breathe it
And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it
Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'
But I'll know my songs well before I start singin'
And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

we're Lost!

2009-05-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

I am now going to go off onto a furious rant on my favorite show ever....(Lost)

I am SO Angry right now! You have no idea. since the beginning of the show I have had seven favorite characters. "Wow, that's kind of allot for one show." you might say. but no. it isn't, because they all die!(all but one) I'm not even joking! Six people that I love! (yeah I know they are not real) It's kind of heart wrenching! First Boon, then Charlie, then Libby, Echo, Charlotte, and now... well I wont say the last one for the sake of those who have not yet sen the finale. But Favorite Characters number Seven is dead. And what on earth was up with that ending?! Come on people!

OK, now that that's out of my system...

I have been talking about a bunch of stuff lately that has confused me like none other. It kind of all started in Sunday school, but it had been in my mind for some time before that. I am still processing allot of it, but may blog about it a a later date. for those of you who know what I'm talking about, you may know the confusion. for those of you who don't know, but want to, ask me in person. And last for those of you who could care less, stop reading my blog.

That's all.

Title

2009-05-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

I have three new journals. This would usually be an overwhelming thing, but it isn't now. I already know what each is going to be used for. I really like journals. writing means so much more than typing... I will now tell you about one.

It's the most boring looking one of them all. It is just an old composition notebook the I haven't used, and so I'm using it now. My goal is to have it completely full by the end of summer. I'm not just writing in it though. I'm gonna put pictures and bunch of stuff like that in there too. It may sound kind of lame, but pleas don't tell me if it is, because I am exited about it, and that's all that matters.

Also, I am officially graduated. After tonight, that is. I have my last final, then I'm done. In a few short months, I'll be an adult and a college student. how very strange...

2009-05-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

Oh toady! I do wish you were not so sunny...
The sun taunts me today. I think I almost heard it laugh.
I am not in a sunny mood today. This however, done not mean that I am sad. acualy, qiute the oposite. I just am not in the mood for sun.
I think a slow, cool drisle would be ideal.

I don't know what this is about, this silly thing that I'm writing.

latley I have been wondering alot, if my friends know how much they mean to me. I really hope that you all do. ALL of you, ok?...but no all of you read this. So maybe I should tell you.

...goodbey.

?

2009-05-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

What to say? There is so much...
It just hit me that I am graduating. Prom. Last night....
I have one week of classes left. a few days ago that exited me to no end. Now....
What do I do now? Were do I go from hear?

I will miss all of this. Funny how when I first started, I thought I would hate it all so much. Now I am defined by it. How do you leave what defines you, and stay yourself? Can you? There are just so many questions. If anyone knows the answers, I would greatly appreciate it if you would let me know as you can.

There is so much left in my head that needs to be said, but it won't come out now. Not over the Internet, anyway.
I'll see you.

Trivialities...

2009-04-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

As you well may know, it rained today. that means I walked, and walking means I thought.

when I think there is usually a topic. today there was none. I just let them all come, and stay for as long as they wanted to. this means they were trivial. I didn't really expect that many would come, so I was surprised by the outcome.

I thought of how I love colors. I am so very glad that they are not people. you see, I get infatuated by them so easily. If they were people, I would be in trouble. one minute, after looking at my umbrella, I would be completely and utterly in love with purple. We would be so very happy together for those few, fleeting moments. But sooner or later, I would inevitably look down at my shoes, and be taken almost immediately by their green-ness. I would be so torn. I love them both but knowing that I could never have both, I would have to break one of there hearts. And then, no matter which I chose, I would never be at peace, because of that blue car that I passed...

You can see how this would really be a bad thing for me.

I also thought how sometimes...right now, anyway, it's good to be...how I am, I guess. Just having options. I'm not Mark Twain, but I can write. I'm not Duke Ellington, but I can play music. I'm not Rembrandt, but I can paint. Obama can't say that. He is the president, and everybody knows that, and that's what he is. He doesn't have much of a choice any more. another thing he can't say, is that nobody hates him. Now I could be wrong, but as far as I know, nobody hates me. That is a very nice thing.

I wish I could adequetly portray the beauty that I saw all around me today, but this is a blogg....

So hear are some pictures.

Fruit, Photography, and murder

2009-04-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

As I type, I am eating fruit with chopsticks. I don't know why, though, or why i felt the need to tell you all, but there it is.

well blogging has been a bit boring lately. Very few people are posting new stuff, and I suppose that that would include me. But this is new, so fret not! Anyway, I really can't think of much to say. maybe that's whats going on with everybody lately. I find it all rather odd, personally.

Any way, I like photography and all, but it has been kind of consuming my life lately. We have a HUGE critic on Wednesday, and a smaller one Monday. I'm not worried about the one on Monday, cause its only two picture, and I have them both. but the one on Wednesday is really big. it has to be at least eleven, and I have one to make up from last week, so that twelve! Gahh! its a good thing I don't mind the smell of dark room chemicals, cause I'm probably going to smell like them till may.

So I'm staging a murder Sunday, again, for photography. it's gonna be awesome. Dramatic and chocolaty.

2009-03-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

I will now tell you the story of my yesterday. I liked it very much.
It started with a music competition in the morning, at Missouri Baptist university. It all went pretty good. But my mom/director forgot all of her scores for jazz band, and didn't realize it till a few minutes before we were suppose to warm up to be on stage, and I had to go back and retrieve her bag. so I did, but when I got back and gave it to her, it turned out that they weren't in there anyway.but it all worked out in the end, and all of our groups that competed did really well. Orchestra got a 1+ and jazz band got 1-, which is still pretty good.

So some time between preforming and running around looking for scores, I found Becca! actually, Becca found us. Because she goes to Mo-Bap, and had classes and all. so she watched us preform, and then after we were done, me, her, our mothers and Nog all went to lunch (at a "bistro-like" subway, were we bayed the O-rule).
Then we went and watched choir and God's Glory preform, and they both did great. And I did not know that Emily had a solo, but it was beautiful.

So then me and Becca left, and went to my house, and talked for a while, and then Amie woke up, and then we all went to diner, and then Amie had something to do at her church, so me and Becca rented "The Eye" and it was ok. It wasn't the best, or the worst, and we did origami. (But we are not very good at it)

Also, I didn't go to dare 2 share. I kind of feel bad for not going, cause people thought I should, but in the end I don't regret my decision to stay home. And while were on the topic, the bible study that Amie leads is thinking about doing street evangelism sometime, down in the loop, and I think that I would like to help them.

THE END

Foot note: Sarah is coming back from North Carolina today, I think, And I am happy.

Hey!...Life.

2009-03-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I thought my life didn't really start till I was on my own. Till I went to college. That's what I was always looking forward to. and now here I am, getting ready to graduate. It's odd...That's all I can say about it. of course I know now that my life has been going on (sometimes without me even knowing it.) for seventeen years now.
But the thought of being grown up still just doesn't seem quite right.

These last few days and week have been really happy. I know happy doesn't last. but I think it will for a little while, and the joy won't go. That's a bit of comfort.

So here's to a summer or fun, and then whatever comes after that.

Prom Ducks.

2009-03-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

I really like today.
Church was normal, which is good. After church, I went to Lunch with Jessica, Anna, Julia, Kelli, and Cody. It was pretty awesome if I do say so myself.(and I do.) I liked the part when Anna accidental said, that Prom cost 20-something "duck" instead of "Bucks". Then an long Discussion ensued about what that would mean. My story was that there would be this tradition were all the senior have to bring a live duck to prom, and then their duck would mate with their dates duck, and they would give the egg(s) to a Junior, and they would raise it for a year, until there senior prom. And also, at graduation, instead of throwing your caps in the air, you set your duck free. The speed and grace of your duck determines how well you do in the future.
somehow, the duck conversation became one about the cruel nature of man. (?)

After lunch, me, Kelli, and Jessica, went to the Martin's and watched Australia. I love it. it was the most emotional movie I have seen in my life. Anna, Jessica, and me were the only ones that stayed through the whole thing. We huddled together a few times out of sheer terror! Yes, it was that intense.

and that's the end. sort of, anyway. The day is not over, but I'm assuming that the rest of it will be rather uneventful.
Goodbye.

umm...this is just my thoughts. Not so exiting.

2009-03-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so... It seem like I have not seen my friend in a while. I did, though. I just haven't spent time with them and that makes me sad. So dose any one want to do something?...because I do! I am also sad that this Idea that Ian had for the dinner/ Communion/ thing didn't work this week, because that would be pretty Ideal now. Maybe it's just me , but it seems that nobody is really exited about the whole idea, which quite frankly, I think is dumb. Because it's a god idea, and I want it to work.

On another note, I think I'm going to write a book soon. I somewhat doubt my writing skills, but I have a good idea, and I suppose it's worth a try.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. They are very far from being profound, and for that I apologize. I hope I can talk to you guys soon, and not just over blog, or other Internet sources. Because that is not really talking.

A bunch of randomness that might not be interesting

2009-03-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

I have a few things to say. first off, I just got back from the lake. there were a bunch of people there, and for once, didn't mind them being there. I kind of liked it...but I don't know why.
Second, I am kind of obsessed with this song. I love it allot, but I'm afraid that I will get sick of it if I listen to it to much more...but I want to. (it's called A twist in my story by second hand serenade.)
also, I like my friend ALLOT. And I really hope that they all know that.
I forgot to put this on the list of the things I love, but I love white trees.
also, today is Amie's birthday.Shes turning old. It's weird. I recently found out that Sarah (my sister) has a blog. so I started following her. But when I went to read some of her posts, there wasn't a single one. it was a bit disappointing. and Speaking of Sarah, I am glad that she is moving back to St. Louis soon, because I like her.
I might live with Becca this fall, if I'm not living at whatever college I end up at.

Funny thing that happened today: I was going to the lake, and I was about a block or two from my house, and who should suddenly appear, seemingly out of nowhere, but Catarina the 13 year old cat.

I am pretty exited about my next photography assignment. And I need help with it. So if you want to be in some of my pictures, and want to come to a park with me some time soon, then that would be cool.

I recently rediscovered how much I love fairy tails. I read a bunch of them today.

this is the last thing; I feel kind of silly for posting almost every day. Especially when you guys (the ones that I follow that is, which is most of you) WON'T POST THINGS.but don't feel bad. it just means that unlike me, you guy have lives.

FINE.

Hear it comes...what?

2009-03-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

The flowers in the front yard bloomed today. I know it was today. there have only been two warm days this year, and their up. Almost like they were waiting just below the surface, waiting for a bit of warmth to tell it that it's OK to come out now. When I think of them like that, I can almost feel their anticipation. I want it as much as they do. Do flowers want?

I played guitar allot today, even though I'm not that good.

I don't know about thing lately. They are so happy. They are good. But they are changing. I don't know if I'm afraid of this change yet. But I am taken off guard at it's lack of subtleties.
I suppose that there is really nothing that I can do to stop, and like I said, things are good, and only seem to be getting better. So I don't need to stop the change from coming...not like I could anyway.

And that is that.

Childhood windows

2009-03-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

I think today was a window into my past. ( if days can be windows) Becca came over. We went to the park and swung. then we came home, played with sidewalk chalk, and climbed trees.
For a moment, it was my childhood. as I traced my led onto my driveway, and the sound of Becca laughing with piano music coming from in side...

I can't really find words for today. So instead hear is a poem. by Rilke. He is my favorite without a doubt.

Childhood

It would be good to give much thought, before you try to find words for something so lost,for those long childhood afternoons you knew that vanished so completely -and why?

We're still reminded-: sometimes by a rain,but we can no longer say what it means;life was never again so filled with meeting,with reunion and with passing

on as back then, when nothing happened to us except what happens to things and creatures:we lived their world as something human,and became filled to the brim with figures.And became as lonely as a Shepherd

and as overburdened by vast distances,and summoned and stirred as from far away,and slowly, like a long new thread,introduced into that picture-sequence where now having to go on bewilders us. Rainer Maria Rilke

Its's gone...

2009-03-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

...That post I had that was kind of emo, that is.
it's gone, and I'll tell you why. Because it was true, but it was an over reaction. I don't like those, and had no right to post it. it just made it sound like I was depressed, and I'm not. I'm sorry if you guys thought I was. I actually talked to my mom about it, which is rare. That helped, and so did God.

So that's about all. sorry again.

Could this be love?...yes.

2009-02-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

The things that I love include, but are not limited to the following.

God
Saturdays with friends ( like today.)
Toast
My loud, crazy family
Quotes
Stella
The smell of ink
Paintbrush holders filled with brushes, hanging from the wall
Hollow gourds made into bird houses
Books
Sisters (really and otherwise)
Constitutions
Outside
Walking in the rain with a purple umbrella under a light post

This is all for now.

Ari

2009-02-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

"Who is he?... That man on the bench." She asked herself.

"Don't know. But it really doesn't matter to me."

" Well it's bound to matter to someone, So you best think of his story now."

So she did. And this was the story that she came up with.

His name is Arlington Scott. Ari for short. He's 28 years old, and was born and raised in southern California. After college he moved to England. Now he lives in London, but he has never liked big city's very much. So every one in a while, when his job gets to stressful, or the city air feels Smoggy and suffocating, he gets into his car and he drives.

The first Couple of times that he did this, he didn't go anywhere in particular. he just drove. But one day just driving wasn't enough. So he got out and walked. And he kept on walking till he got tired. And as if there had been someone following him who could read his mind, in the exact instance when his knees got weak, and the stitch in his side really started to ache, a bench appeared. It was rather plain bench that stood alone on a hill on the edge of some Down that he didn't care to find the name of.

So Ari sat. And as he watched the sun set into the west, he was reminded of his home, and of his childhood, and mostly of her. We wondered about Her. Was she still best friends with Lily McCoy? had her freckles ever gone away? And most of all, he wondered if she still loved him, and thought about him as much as he thought about her.

He didn't know, and he told himself regularly that he was not brave enough to find out.

So instead of finding her, he just came hear. He'd think of her as he watched the sun set then he would leave. He would go on with his life, and let her go on with hers. But every once in a while, if he saw a long sandy beach, or a dead tree covered in snow, or that exact same shade of teal, He would think of her, and he would smile.

Choose.

2009-02-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

We are all dieing. every one of us. every person, every blade of grass. Each second we spend on this earth is a second closer to death. A child is born, and immediately starts to die. It's not morbid, it's just the way it is. A fact of life; We are all dieing... We are all falling. Falling away from what was. Away from what we were back then, when life was so Innocent. And as we fall, as those childish whims that we are so fond of fade, we find out new things about our selves. They are beautiful and terrible things...But they are inside of us, so the are us. And so there we are; Beautiful and terrible

And in our Beauty there is a call. It's a call to become more beautiful, and to love this beautiful uncertainty that is our future. This is not so easy, because we are still terrible, and we are reminded of that often.

But the call doesn't stop. It comes to us in the night, calls...louder, and louder still. And it Will not stop until we listen. Till our souls are so raw, so exhausted from hearing their own names called again, that we must listen. And when we do... in that silent moment when we finally give in to the call, when we find it to strong and ourselves to weak to resist any longer, then we will have peace. But our peace will not be a contented one. We shall not say, "Now I may go about my life normally and quietly, as my fathers before me." Because we will not be t peace with all the earth. Only with the part in it that we are somehow sure we must play. (though we don't know what it is, or for that matter, how we know this.) And we find that the call is still there, even in our peace.
And in this restless peace -this mystery that is before us- we see it all. The calling, the fall and even what came before it all. We see it whole and beautiful against the sky. But something utterly dark, and utterly realistic tells us that we will never see things this way again. For only when the future is fully unknown can it truly be called beautiful.
...And so time goes on...we don't often want it to. We find our selves wishing in those moment of pure joy that it would freeze as it is. And when we can see nothing but the Shadow in the corners, and feel nothing but cold wind at our backs, we wish -sometimes harder than before- that time would just end all together. But it goes on. Like a train with no breaks on a never-ending track. Imposable to stop. Imposable to get off. And although at time we convince ourselves otherwise, we all love our silly little trains, out of control headed towards only God knows what. Because he dose know, and we never can.
And that, in the end is what we must choose to take comfort in. It is one of the only thing we can choose. We did not choose to fall. We did not ask to be called. but this, we can and must seek. It will be our only comfort when our trains crash.

I can't think of a title for this one.

2009-02-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

So I've been singing allot lately. I really like singing when I'm completely alone, and I can just sing as loud or as quiet as I want. Also, I've been waking up with songs in my head again. It use to happen all the time, but it hadn't happened in forever. the songs that would be in my head when I woke up used to be just random. Once, I woke up with the Canadian National anthem in my head, every Saturday for almost two months. that was pretty odd.

But now a'days, it's almost always a worship song that I wake up singing. That started at winter fest. I really don't know the reason, but I really don't care. i just really like waking up that way, because it reminds me that God is there, even when we're asleep. Just because we can't consciously praise Him, doesn't mean anything to Him. He just likes being with us. And that doesn't make any sense to me. (Proly because I'm human.)
And that's all I have to say for now.

Miss...

2009-02-16T15:35:00.000-08:00

Do you know what I miss?

Well then I'll tell you. I miss long evenings of sitting in the back of the pick-up and just thinking while it grew darker and darker. And then when it was full dark, I would ride my bike around searching out and naming all of the light posts. I did that allot. but now I can't, partly because of the cold.

I miss the feeling failing asleep to good music and waking up in the middle of the night with it still playing, and being really disoriented because I had thought the music was part of the dream that I just forgot.

I miss Colleen, Helen, Daniel, Meemaw, Alicia...

...And that's what I miss.

Vincent & Christopher...

2009-02-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

I just found something that made me pretty happy.

If you didn't know, My dad is kind of obsessed with buying DVDs, and I just found the newest addition to his collection. It's six different horror movies form the 50's, 60's, and 70's starring Vincent Price and Christopher Lee.

So, if anyone is interested in watching them with me, just let me know.

love day.

2009-02-14T09:04:00.001-08:00

OK, so love has defiantly been the theme of my life as of late.
It's been kind of everywhere. so I'm going to tell you about this love thing that I have found.
I'm reading the book Crazy Love, and it's good. I guess that's were it all started, but that doesn't seem right, because i have been reading it for a while, and am just now seeing all of this. (which makes me feel silly.)

I think we all know about the ten commandments, so I won't list them. But I think that maybe people focus to strongly on them sometimes. Yes, they are important, but they are not the most important things. The two most important thing, God say, are to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, and mind, and secondly, to love others as yourself. And that is what I want.

I want people to feel loved by me, but at the same time, know that I love nothing and nobody more than God. I think all of my family and close friend know that I love them, but I want this to be the theme of my life. I want to emanate love. For God first and theme for everyone else, and defiantly not for myself.

So that what I have to say about love on love day. but I don't want to just say it, then forget about it. like I said, I want to live this. so if anyone sees me being less than loving yell at me or something, ok?....Good.

Happy

2009-02-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

So today was a pretty good day as far as days go.
In the morning, I got my drivers license. (Finlay!) Then in the afternoon I pucked up Ian and Jessica and we went to see a movie. Now I'm home and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my evening.
Maybe watch a movie with Amie? who knows... but what I;m trying to say hear is that life is good...the end.

No words today. ( or at least verry few.)

2009-02-12T14:16:00.000-08:00

What do you do when words don't come?
Or when they come, just about all the wrong things? I find is truly ridiculous how much we silly little humans must rely on words.

"And perhaps this is the shortest one ever." She thought to herself. But it wasn't.

The Original Creator

2009-02-08T18:55:00.000-08:00

I've heard people say it allot. "God is so creative" But I just recently truly got what that means. Hears the thing; humans praise themselves all the time for being creative. whether it's through writing, or music, or art, or whatever. But in the end, we are just copy-cats. Not just us, but every human EVER!

Think about this for a second. Mozart may have written sonatas when he was ten, but God invented music! Rembrandt may have painted some pretty amazing things, but God created all of them first. And what about all those books we read, and think, "man, how do people think of story lines like this?" Well even those great scorelines are about people, which God made, and are expressed with words (which God also thought of). So if these people, the best of the best are just copy-cats, and we aren't even as good as them, than we should be allot more humble than we are.

Now I'm not saying that our talents are nothing, but just that we need to realize that God is the only one who was ever truly creative. And without him, we would have nothing to draw or paint or wright about or sing about. This is why we should do everything for the glory of God. In the end, they will glorify Him anyway, because they are all his. Isn't it better to glorify Him willingly, than to try and glorify your self, and end up glorifying God anyway, but look like a fool in the proses?

So that's my thought, and maybe it's one of those things that everyone will read and be like, "Duh Beth, this is kind of common knowledge." But oh well.

Hmm....

2009-02-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well I don't know what I can say about the state of my life at the moment... all I can say is that thing are so spastic lately. I really don't get it. My life is not always good, but it's usually pretty even. I mean, usually, it's either good, or bad. Lately, though, I'll be supper joyful (not happy, necessarily.) and the next day it will seem like things are falling apart. And I'm pretty sure I'm not bipolar.

Oh well, maybe it's just the way life is sometimes. maybe it's just nothing. I don't know. But I kind of feel a bit whiny lately too, so I'll leave it at that.

the 3rd.

2009-02-03T17:00:00.000-08:00

My Tuesday:

I did laundry. I accidental washed a pencil and my flask.
Then i attempted to do math.
Then I cried. I don't usually cry.
Then Marcy talked to me. That made me happy.
Then God talked to me through Marcy. that made me joyful.

The End.

Fear, Failure, and Hope

2009-02-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

Guys, I'm serious about this! And I'm scared.
It started at winter fest this year, just after Alyson fell of of her horse, and it was bad and all. I started thinking of why all of this would happen to one person. The only thing I could think of was that it was a spiritual attack. Now I don't now for sure or anything because I'm human and all, but I've talked to people, and prayed about this and it seems to me that this is what it is.

Also at winter fest, I started to feel that 2009 was going to be big/hard some how. I may sound crazy, and in all reality, maybe it is. but it's how I feel, and things that have happened in the world have started to prove me right. Now I know that our world (obviously,) is far from perfect, and is kind of screwed up often, but as of late it seems that bad things have been happening more frequently. (it could also be that I'm just paying closer attention that I use to, but I don't know.)
I have felt pretty under attack too, lately. I have been feeling really inadequate. pretty much like a failure at life. know I'm not and that god sees me as his perfect child, but little thing like failing the drivers test twice, and not doing so great in school, and having absolutely no idea what my life is going to look like after this school year. Things I usually don't worry about more than I need to; these thing are all I have been able to focus on recently, and that is not normal for me at all.

Anyhow, as I started seeing and feeling these thing happen, I also started hearing things about how we can fight the devil. So I made a list in one of my journals of these ways.(but I only have two as of yet...) I think that pastor Dave may have said both of them but I can't remember. But I know that the source of these things are trustworthy, because wouldn't have gotten as exited as I did, if I heard it from someone I didn't trust completely, or if I had not found them to have worked for me in the past. (Which at least one of them has.)
So hear they are. I call them my spiritual arsenal.

1. Focus on what Christ did on the cross. Satan truly thought he had won by killing Jesus, and was happy...till he found out just how wrong he had been. When we think about/ pairs God for what he did, It's sort of like rubbing it in the devils face.

2. Sing. This one is so simple, but really powerful. when we sing praises to God, the devil hates it; plain and simple. I am absolutely positive that this one work because I've used it before.

So that's all. I know that it's a short list right now but hopefully it will grow. If anybody has anything that they could add to this list, I would love to talk to you about it.
...The End

PHOTOGRAM!

2009-01-27T08:42:00.000-08:00

In my photography class last night, we learned how to make pictogram's! it was pretty cool. and tomorrow we're going to make our own, and I'm really exited about it.

So what is a photo gram, you might ask? all you do is put an object on a piece of photo paper and then expose it to light, then develop the paper, and it turns out something like this...

Its kind of a revese shadow.

And thats a pohtogram. This should be fun.

Today.

2009-01-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

Today I stared school... Not so bad. I relay like my psychology professor. He went off on about five or six random little tangents that took about fifteen to twenty minutes each. and that was just during attendance!
I found Katie! we have a break in classes at the exact same time, and plan to hang out a bunch this semester, which makes me happy. I do like that Katie girl...
So any way, I'm writing from the school library because I'm so very board. my next class doesn't start till 4:00 and I'm stuck hear. when I get my drivers licence, I can go places and visit people in this time, but for now I'm stuck.

The End.

Quotes and Irony.

2009-01-14T14:48:00.000-08:00

Today I went quote hunting. I haven't done that in a long time, so it was nice. I think that its pretty odd that I collect quotes. I know some people collect quotes for people they know, but I collect them from anyone. mostly famous people. I had a book that was mostly full, but I lost it.
any way, hear are some of my favorites that I found today.

1)“A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.”
-C.S. Lewis

2)“This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.”
-Ibid

3)“You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”
Ibid

4)“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live by the light that I have. I must stand with anybody that stands right, and stand with him while he is right, and part with him when he goes wrong.”
-Abraham Lincoln

5)“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
-Mark Twain

6)“If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for the Creator, there is no poverty.”
-Rainer Maria Rilke

7)“How happy is the blameless Vestals lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.”
-Alexander Pope

Oh how I love quotes! the only downside is that now it will take forever to put them all in my book... oh well.

I realized today that I picked up a habit from Jesse that use to annoy me to no end. When he had nothing to do, he would just pace the house and snap his fingers. It would annoy me. But now I do it , too. Oh the irony...

something that made me laugh

2009-01-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

So I was just looking at my info. to make sure that I didn't miss spell, or mess anything up (I have some rather scatterbrained tendencies) and it turned out that I did. When i put in my birthday, instead of putting "1991" I put just 91. So on my profile it said that I was 1917 years old!
So anyway, that's my random story for the day. (don't worry, i won't really tell those every day) I don't know if anyone else will find it funny, but I did.

Down

2009-01-13T11:49:00.000-08:00

Going down stairs. It was like going int a past world. A world that I was once a part of. I found my Romanian Bird whistle that Sarah gave me when I was nine. And a note from Emily from a few years back. I was reminded of how silly we were, back then. But also I was reminded of the way things were when I didn't see as clearly as I do now. the memories were foggy, and blurred together. Memories of when I would sink into my own mind and not come out for days, weeks, sometimes months.
But I see now how harmful that can be. When the only things you truly see and hear are from yourself...When you don't let others in.
But thing are different now. Different is not always better. Different can hurt. But this difference has brought with it, a joy unlike any I have had before. I know that the joy and the difference came from Him.(God) From loving him as best I can and trying to love others in the way that I know he loves me and them.
There was something inside of me. holding me back, not letting me be what I knew I was capable of. I am glad to tell you all that it has left. I don't know when it left, or how, but it is gone.
"And so it took doing down to realize that I was realy going up..."

New year, New blog.

2009-01-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it' s the 12th, and the new year is already started, but it's still early. Anyway, this is a new blog.
I have never had a blog that was verry sucsesful, because I'm not good at writing every day.
But I'm pretty determand to make this one differant.
So today I took the test to get my drivers licence for the second time, and failed for the second time...so yeah, that sucks. I usualy don't get up set over thing like that but today I was for some reason. It realy anoyed me because I knoew I shouldn't be, but I was.
and i'm gonna stop talking about that now because I don't want to complain. (even thou I already did.)
Thats about all for today.